Category: Thoughts

As I awoke this morning, a lot of thoughts hit my mind.  I usually lie in bed for a bit and get myself mentally prepared to face what’s ahead of me.  It’s Monday – the zombie of weekdays.  It’s Bailey’s last week of school and there is a lot going on.  We’re getting closer to the end of the month, which is the busy time at work.  Alicia and I go on our 15 year anniversary cruise in 2 weeks so there is mental planning, physical planning and financial arrangements to be made.  Bailey has horse lessons this afternoon so I need to stagger supper for G and the rest of the family.  Just run of the mill thoughts as I prepare to rise.  

Then, as that moment to rise comes, it hits me.  I am getting freaking old.  My body has pain in places I didn’t think actually had feeling receptors.  Muscles that I didn’t know existed ache.  My body is starting to show all of the signs of disregard and abuse I’ve given it over the last 40 years.  And you’d better believe I have given it a fair share of nicks and bruises along the way.  I have never really regarded my body as a temple, unless you consider Buddha your religious go to.  In that case, it’s masterful.

I have constantly battled weight issues throughout my life.  Glimpses at photos from my high school annuals until now show a veritable hodgepodge of chubby, skinny, fat and even toned at one time.  Those were a sweet couple of weeks.  I was a svelt 165 at graduation and am now a deceptively striking 225.  I’m on a 60 pound per 20 year pace, or 3 lbs per year depending on how you look at it.  Here’s the conundrum.  I don’t really care about the weight itself.  I don’t have body issues and don’t really spend any time comparing myself to the next guy that may be 300 lbs or may be a jacked 195 cross fitter. That’s honestly not an issue with me and I am completely comfortable in my own skin.  The issue now is the slow breakdown of this shell that carries me around.

I’m positive it’s a combination of factors.  My number one suspect though is age.  I know that I’ll one day just be a heap of stretched muscles and tendons and cracked bones and worn down appendages.  I can accept that.  But I’m not quite ready for it.  I started being a walking trauma center at an early age.  By the age of 5, I had broken my collar bone, sliced my head open playing on a racecar that was a pile of metal, bit my tongue almost clean in two after a dive down a flight of stairs, broken my toes in a dresser climbing incident, swallowed various toys and almost OD’d on some Tylenol.  Oh and my loving auntie Ann smashed my hand in a car door at Penny Pinchers, oh the irony.  Now I know all kids go through various stages of illness and injury but I caused a 6 year gap between me and my brother because my parents just didn’t know if I would make it and didn’t want to have 2 wreckless nut jobs running around the house.I leveled off a bit when I hit my teen years.  With the exception of a busted up elbow from pitching, I limited my injuries to bruises from being hit by Jason Lee fireballs and sprained ankles from playing too much basketball.  But nothing hospital inducing…..until my infamous nose restructuring when I was 22.  That set me back a bit and gave me a whole new appreciation for rebounding.  As an adult, I’ve had the occasional meniscus tear, shin bruises from ground balls, a broken finger or two and a fouled up back from my periodic scorpions.  But again, I’ve avoided the hospital since the nose.

What all of this has done is taken a toll on me over the course of the last 25 years.  We played doubleheader kickball games yesterday and it hit me that I was the oldest player on the field.  I’m the oldest player on my Gordon city league team, 2nd oldest on my coed team, 3rd oldest in basketball and 4th oldest at SOTC (and won’t ever be the oldest thanks to Barry).  It really doesn’t seem like that long ago when I was the young buck on all of the squads.  But those days are gone.  And I am left with memories of what I once could do. My mind still tries to do those things but my body just laughs.  That’s when the scorpions attack.I took those days for granted.  I laughed at my elders for not being able to hold up over several hours of competition.  I recall an evening Petey and I stopped at Winn Dixie after softball so I could replinish my Little Debbie supply at home.  I was a solid 23 probably and Petey said, “You know, one day you aren’t going to be able to stuff those in your face this late at night.”  He’s a true wordsmith.  I have defied that warning and have been able to continue that hobby.  Which is one of the leading contributors to the 60 lbs in 20 years.  

But the fact that the statement was so unthinkable makes me realize just how old I’ve really become.  I eat as I please still because I believe that life isn’t worth living if you aren’t actually living while you’re here.  I’m going to croak one day.  I don’t want to look back on that day and say, “I wish I had one more cheesy bread from Harvest Moon.”  Of course, I still have to try to cut out eating late, cut out the 4th meal from Taco Bell as much as possible and limit the M&M’s.  If I didn’t, I’d be 3 bills by now and my athletic career (as questionable as it is) would be over now instead of having one foot in the ditch and another on a banana peel.

Which brings me to the real question of what happens when it is really over.  I keep thinking that by the time it’s over, I’ll need a walker.  Then I have mornings like today where I wonder if I’ll be able to walk from my desk to the printer.  That’s a treacherous 40 feet when your hips and knees don’t want to cooperate.  Hopefully, I’ll leave some impression on the younger guys, my teammates.  I have always tried to be a good teammate.  I try to keep everyone positive, I try to be dependable.  I try to avoid conflict when possible and (with the exception of kickball) try to let the umpires do their job without my input.  I’ve tried to do it the way Dewey taught me.  The right way.  

I know the day is coming.  I’m closer today than I was yesterday.  I’ll be even closer tomorrow.  But I’ll be at Sherwood ready to play 2 more softball games and will once again use my body as an object to slow down a softball.  I’ll wake up Wednesday and wonder why I keep putting myself through it.  I’ll have a few days to heal and I’ll be back on the kickball field.  That’s the only way I know to keep going. If I stop, it’s all over.  There are no layoffs anymore.  When this train stops, it’s parking in the station.  The only way to keep going is to never get rid of the aches.  If I ever get back to where my back doesn’t hurt while I sleep or my knees don’t hurt when I get out of bed or my hip doesn’t hurt when I pick up a toy off of the ground, I know I’ll never go back to the pain.  What kind of idiot would I be?  So, for now, I’ll enjoy the daily reminders of my physical failings and I’ll keep pushing myself to be the best elder statesman I can be.  I’ll never be remembered as a home run hitter or speedster or dunk machine.  But maybe when it’s all over, my old teammates will say, “that guy never stopped playing.  He never gave up and he was fun to be around.”  Because I can tell you, when my playing days are over and Alicia gets me 24/7, the compliments won’t be near as plausible.  As a matter of fact, she will probably finish the job and cripple me with a kayak paddle.  And I’ll probably deserve it.  Until then though, I’ll be on the field the very next chance I get.  See you there!

J-Dub

Fear has many definitions.  It can be a noun or a verb.  It can be a feeling or an emotion.  It can be concious or subconscious.  I think the best definition for me is, “the feeling of anxiety concerning the outcome of something or the safety and well being of someone.”  In this definition, it plainly reads as a feeling.  In any case, we all have them.  Some more prevalent than others.  Some more willing to admit or talk about them than others.  But they are there, make no mistake.  They change as we get older.  Fear is almost like a resistant illness that mutates over time as we fight it.  

That mutation runs parallel with our understanding or knowledge of the world and what’s real.  When we’re young, it’s things like the boogeyman, the dark and strangers.  As teens, we fear school or grades or being accepted or asking someone out.  Some fears are not age discriminate and can affect you over your whole life.  These are usually phobias of some sort like acrophobia (heights), arachnophobia (spiders) or coulrophobia (clowns).  There is a website, Phobia List, dedicated to hundreds of actual named phobias that are pretty unbelievable.  There is even a fear of phobias, phobophobia, no joke.  

As adults however, our fears have typically grown to “drug resistant” status and can be difficult to cope with.  Maybe it’s because we know mom or dad aren’t coming into the room to turn the light on.  We generally have a fear of even talking about our fears as adults because it can make us appear vulnerable.  You got it, a fear of being vulnerable.  This can be more prevalent in the male species as we don’t like admitting to being afraid of anything.  I’m going to break that man code with this post because I think fear is a basic human emotion (or feeling) that pushes me every day to be a better person.  I don’t mind discussing it.  I guess you could say that over time, I have conquered my gelotophobia, or fear of being laughed at or made fun of.

I generally don’t have any tradition phobias, with the exception of a case of germophobia.  Heights are exhilarating to me.  I think spiders are part of natures balance, just like snakes and alligators, so long as it’s not a black widow or brown recluse.  And clowns aren’t really even on my radar.  I think I have even reached a point in my life where I am no longer afraid of death itself.  It is going to happen, whether it be tomorrow in my softball game (line drive to the face would be an awful way to go, unless we won) or 40 years from now on the golf course while playing for the course record at Bushwood (Caddyshack?).  Do I want it to be tomorrow?  Not preferably, as I think I have more to learn and experience on this earth.  But I’ve come to realize that I am, by and large, not in control and that uncertainty and lack of control actually takes the fear out of it for me.

That actually brings me to my first and most pressing fear – the safety and well being of my family and friends.  These are the people that need to be here longer than me.  I spend much of my day to day life trying to make sure that I am doing my part to keep the scales tilted in that direction.  I think that is a generally accepted practice with any married individual or parent.  Not necessarily ground breaking but it is my greatest fear in life.  So much so that I don’t really want to spend any more time on this one.  

After that, a major fear I have is that of letting people down.  This is one that I have battled for many years.  I need to do better and better and better every day because stagnation or a step back is not acceptable.  Every day, the personal bar gets higher and the fear grows.  I am fortunate to have a comfortable, steady job that takes care of my family and our needs.  We have a home, food, transportation, pets, toys and anything else we need to live a stable life.  The fear attached with maintaining that is overwhelming.  I have certain expectations of myself and so do others.  A lapse in judgment or blurring of the lines would be devastating for me and could put all of that in jeopardy.  As a husband and father, what kind of pressure matches that?  

Beyond the professional aspect, there is the personal or social aspect of that fear.  I have two daughters that watch every move I make.  As dad, I can’t really do anything wrong in their eyes but that’s where the pressure comes from.  They think that what I do is the right thing or the right way to something.  Every night consists of a mental inventory of the day’s actions and self approval or self regret.  The funny thing about self regret is that there isn’t much you can do about it.  It’s a sinking feeling that makes you understand how to process in the future but it doesn’t do much in the present.  

I am entrusted by many people for many different things.  My wife trusts that I am going to take care of her and our children.  I work in the financial industry so there’s fiscal trust.  I manage employees so they trust my leadership.  My friends trust me with their confidence or for advice.  To be honest, I am a very fortunate man to have that trust from people.  But with that sometimes comes a delusional internal expectation of perfection.  Therein lies the fear.  Perfection is 100% elusive.  I haven’t met perfection and am certain it does not exist on earth.  But where in that list do I have the latitude to slip up?  I know it’s not realistic but fear is often irrational.

I think it would be safe to say that my biggest fear is myself.  That’s right, I am most afraid of me.  I’m afraid I’ll let my guard down at work and let something bury me.  I’m afraid I will take someone close to me for granted.  I’m afraid I’ll forget one day that my kids are watching.  I’m afraid I’ll let go for a minute and say something my friends have trusted me with.  I’m afraid I won’t be there when Alicia  needs me the most.  I’m afraid I’ll let the past control my future.  I’m afraid I’ll let you down.  It’s all me.  It’s J-Dubophobia.  

There is a silver lining and it’s all that keeps me from crumbling in a heap on certain days.  That fear of myself pushes me every day to improve.  When you embrace a fear you have, you live it every minute and it makes you fight.  When you look your fear in the eyes, acknowledge its existence and give it an identity, it can’t hide from you.  That seems to be the first step in conquering a fear, you have to recognize and understand it.  The only way to understand the dark is to walk right into it.  It took me a while but I think I finally get it.  I’m going to let myself down.  But I can’t let the periodic failures define me as a man.  Ultimately, you are defined by your heart, your intentions, your growth.  Maybe this fear is a part of that growth.  Maybe it’s just one of the demons I’ll have to live with.  Either way, the most certain way I have learned to cope with fear is to talk about it.  So, I won’t hide from that.

J-Dub

“I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to myself, I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered by me.” ~~ Sir Isaac Newton

We go through life learning more and more as we age and mature.  At 39, I am a much different person than I was at 20.  As a kid, I just needed to know how to get along with my buds and play video games.  In my teens, it was important to know how to manage a relationship with the buds and a significant other, what movies were coming out, what music was hitting, where my next $20 was coming from and whether or not we would have enough guys to play basketball on Saturdays.  Eventually, those focuses shifted to managing a career, living with a spouse and managing a household.  Now, the household has grown to 4 and I have to use all the knowledge I’ve attained over the years to simply survive the day.  

We are all self centered by nature.  I don’t necessarily mean that in a bad way.  Rather, it’s easy to get caught up in what’s going on in our own lives and walking obliviously through the rest of society as it faces its own struggles.  A lot of people live that way on purpose and I do from time to time.  There is tremendous value in focusing on yourself and your family and friends as I have talked about many times in this blog.  But in moments of solitude and quiet, my mind turns to what else may be out there.  Don’t worry, I’m not about to go on some paranormal or sci-fi trip.  I’ll keep it reasonable.  What I am doing though is trying to constantly challenge my way of thinking which I believe helps me adapt and continue learning.

The quote at the beginning of this post is spoken eloquently but speaks simply to me.  I don’t know how the world sees me.  Some see me as smart, some see me as a country bumpkin.  Some see kindness and some see selfishness.  Some see success and some see failure.  I don’t know what the overwhelming opinion is.  To me, I’m just floating along here in my bubble with my own goals, victories and discoveries.  Outside of my bubble though is a vast world that I will never fully see or understand.  Newton was likely referencing the vastness of space in comparison to what were important laws and theories he developed.  I find the underlying subject meaningful in another vein.  At the risk of sounding bleak, I’m pretty insignificant.  That is not the point of this post though.  No amount of success or good deeds will change the fact that is outlined in this premise.  The point of this post is to acknowledge and accept that there are in fact things I’ll never know and understand.  I’m ok with that.  Everybody should be.  What can hold people back from accepting it though is the quest to be the smartest person in the room and always be right.

Our lives are consumed with debate and being on the right side of issues.  It’s almost become comical watching the news channel side shows bring their commentators from both sides of an issue to argue for 5 minutes about which side is right.  They argue as if they are going to change each other’s minds or ours.  People share articles on Facebook that back up their side of arguments, whether they have done their own due diligence on what they are sharing or not.  I’ve been a victim before and it’s embarrassing but the vast majority of Facebook users have yet to realize that there are fake news sites that were created to provide stories for sharing and support of various issues.  Either the articles are vague, half-truths or fabricated altogether.  

At the risk of getting off on a whole other topic about our slacktivist society and our penchant for social media outrage, take a look at the current Target bathroom issue.  I’m not about to preach to one side or the other or even discuss my stance as I’m sure it won’t change anyone’s mind and will certainly be bigoted or unchristian to whoever I’ve aligned myself against.  What I’m going to share is what I see.  I have friends that are scattered all over the spectrum of race, religion and sexual preference.  What that means is I get to see examples of both sides of the issue.  I have seen logical and absurd support of the decision and I’ve seen logical and absurd opposition.  But what I don’t ever see is reasonable discussion between sides……on any issue.  That’s because we can’t see (or at least understand) life outside of our bubble.  The line is clear – if I’m ok with the decision, I’m obviously a left wing nutjob who longs for communism.  If I’m opposed, I’m obviously a lunatic, southern tea partier that hates all people not like me.  

My point?  Have your beliefs and convictions.  Practice what you preach.  But know that you are living in your little world inside a big one.  I don’t know what’s right outside of my belief system.  Even inside it, I struggle from time to time because I accept that society is changing and I wonder if my opinions should too.  When I was young, I remember thinking how nutty it was for older people to have their weird opinions on the race issue.  The fact is that they were raised during a time where the issue was prevalent.  Guess what?  Young people are looking at the older generation now and saying, “how can you possibly not accept me as different than you?”  The older generation says, “Easy, it’s not how I was raised and it’s not right.”  I can’t imagine what the next generational clash will be but history will repeat itself and the same people calling others close minded or bigots will be on the receiving end.  

I did get off on a tangent.  Think about the vastness of your city or county.  I go to stores in town (yes, Target too) and about 75% of the people I see are people I’ve never seen before.  Have you ever stopped to wonder how that is even possible?  Publix is less than a mile from my home and I see new people in their daily.  And yes, I’m there daily.  We could never comprehend the number of people and opinions that are floating around out there beyond our reach.  So why do we think ours is so important that it must be right?  Think about how self centered that really is.  We should all have our opinions, beliefs, convictions but they aren’t going to be molded for everybody else.  Hell, we can’t even agree on whether Pepsi or Coke is better.  I’m supposed to follow your lead on what people should and shouldn’t do with their own physiology?  Pass.  This is seriously not about the specific bathroom issue.  That is the current hot topic.  This is about our inability to accept that we are living within the confinement of our own existence which is unable to truly see beyond itself.  

We can’t change being unable to see beyond our barriers.  But we can accept that there is life outside of those barriers.  Real life.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  Believe what you want or what is best for your conscience/spirit.  Want to vote for Trump?  Want to be a woman dude?  Want to boycott Target?  Want to boycott Bruce Springsteen?  Want to be a Florida Gator fan?  Knock yourself out!!  I may not understand it but that’s not an overly unique position for me.  I don’t know what it’s like to live life in your shoes.  I don’t know what’s going on in your mind or heart.  I don’t know what keeps you up at night.  I can only try to deal with my own insomnia.  I’m learning everyday about my own seashore.  There are tons or rocks and seashells for me to explore and understand that keeps me busy.  Oh look, a sea turtle…..

J-Dub

 There aren’t enough words to heal a broken heart.  There is no magic pill that clears it up, no surgery that can help it mend.  No intense workout can build it back up to health.  No, it doesn’t work that way.  Time, faith and resolve are the only antidotes that are proven to help.  Even with that, the heart may never fully recover.  There may always be at least a tiny piece that is damaged beyond repair.  That doesn’t mean you can’t live with it, it’s just a little harder.  And that’s ok.  Because we all experience it but in our own varying degrees.

A broken heart can manifest in many different ways.  The most common is losing someone you love.  You can lose them emotionally, mentally and/or physically.  A breakup, a divorce, a walkout, a lie, infidelity, broken trust and selfishness can all lead to that loss.  The common factor is that it is always someone we love, trust, have faith in, look up to, depend on.  The one thing we are allowed to be selfish with is our heart.  Because we are the ones left in the wake of the destruction.  We live in the aftermath.  We sift through the rubble trying to put the pieces back together.  But it’s like putting together a swing set and missing a bolt or two.  It’s challenging but it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t put our heads down and push forward.  Surely, we can figure out a way to make it work.

The brain is affected by heartbreak.  You think you’re not good enough.  You think you should’ve done something different.  You think you should’ve enjoyed the last moments more.  You think maybe things will be different one day.  All of these thoughts are driven by a heart that is not functioning at full strength. A healthy heart doesn’t create thoughts of pain, regret, second guessing.  All of these are side effects of the broken heart.  Just like being overweight can make you fatigued, self conscious, and susceptible to health problems – Heartbreak can lead to depression, anxiety and questions of self worth.

Here’s the thing about heartbreak though.  It forces you, right or wrong, to look in the mirror.  You are naturally led to look inside yourself to examine your contents.  That’s difficult too because we are always harder on ourselves than anyone else.  But if we’re honest, really self reflective, we’ll see that in many cases, it’s not our fault.  The broken heart is not of our own making.

In fact, many times, it has little to do with us and a lot to do with others.  That’s who this is for.  The innocent bystanders who took a bullet from a violent, out of control gunman who has made a name for themselves taking people out.  Some people just don’t know how to love others.  They know how to love themselves but that’s pretty easy.  Real, true, unconditional love is work and the weak suck at it.  But they don’t know they suck.  They see how much they love themselves and think that it must correlate to others loving them or their ability to love in general.  It’s a vicious cycle of narcissism.

A major clue is a lack of remorse.  I’m not just talking normal sorries either.  This lack of remorse is extremely detrimental.  When plans get cancelled, when you have to continuously initiate contact, when the relationship revolves around them and no acknowledgment is ever made, that is what I’m talking about.  When people love you, they are supposed to feel remorse when things get in the way of being with you or even reaching out.  When that is missing, you have iron clad proof that it isn’t you.  Add in empty promises and guilt triggering and you’ve got the narcissistic trifecta.

Seriously, love is hard.  It takes sacrifice.  It is give and take.  It’s not always about you but it should be sometimes.  It is stressful when you want the best for someone and it doesn’t always work out.  It’s painful to see others unhappy.  These are pitfalls of love.  Things don’t always go as planned and when you really care for someone it hurts to see them dissapoined.  No one likes to hurt but when you share love with someone, it is a natural part of life.  That’s what I mean when I say the weak suck at it.  The weak are those who would rather avoid all of those pitfalls because it’s hard or because it doesn’t fit into their plans.  

But what of us with the broken heart?  If it’s not our fault, are we supposed to feel any better, any less hurt?  That depends on our resolve.  You see, when there are people who don’t know how to love us, there are inevitably people who do that are ready to step up.  Resolve is having the commitment to surround ourselves with those people.  Having the courage to move on with those makeshift bolts.  What we will find is that one or two more pieces will come along and fill the void if we will just continue to open up our hearts and work at love.  A broken heart can either bleed out and leave you lifeless or you can bandage it, stop the bleeding and let it scar over.  

It just takes time, faith in others and a stubbornness to survive the heartbreak.  It hurts, but the chances of survival are excellent.  Just keep loving and living.

Joey

  “Cascading waves of change – events we think to be inconsequential – can effect the future unintentionally.  What if you had the power to effect monumental change?  Would you let fear consume?  Or would you overcome?  We can send a message – a warning – of man’s inept understanding.  We have that message.  Though the story is not inevitable, and a society does evolve, we can change our fate.  We can change our future.  We can change the past.”~The Starset Society

I like to challenge myself mentally.  A lot of people enjoy a political or religious debate.  I have beliefs on both but they are pretty cut and dry and I don’t let others dictate my opinions on those particular subjects.  On the other hand, I have a lot of spiritual and existential thoughts and questions.  I guess I have an interest in “existentialism”, in general.  As I was doing some reading, studying, whatever you want to call it, I came across the following description of an existential attitude ~ “a sense of disorientation or confusion in the face of an apparently meaningless or absurd world”.  Philosopher Søren Kierkegaard proposed that “each individual – not society or religion – is solely responsible for giving meaning to life and living it passionately and sincerely.”  We are individuals and we are what we stand for and what we live for.  Why do we depend on others to tell us how to feel or what to believe?

I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what is real in this world.  That’s where the absurdity comes in.  Whether we accept it or not, most everything we do is controlled by someone else.  There are laws, rules at work, rules to games we play, costs associated with our freedom and happiness.  To be clear, these things are needed to prevent chaos but that chaos comes from our own kind.  What is it about the human race that necessitates a law to prevent shoplifting, assault, rape or murder?  At times, the law doesn’t even prevent it.  What are we doing?  You don’t have to be religious to understand right and wrong or good and bad.  I don’t question why these things are a part of our lives but I question that which makes them have to be.  

We all have been ingrained with the way things are supposed to be. We are often scared to question it because it can be viewed as dissension or would place a label on us.  I admit that I’m guilty!  The fear is driven by another bane of existence ~ the need to be liked and accepted.  We will constantly change our opinions and feelings to satisfy the people we want to be accepted by.  I’ve reached a point in my life where I have thrown in the towel on that and am much happier.  I like my music, my movies, my clothes, my hobbies like baseball cards, my routines and my opinions.  The people in my life fit into those things.  Not because I changed to like something they like or vice versa but because those things helped us gravitate toward each other.  If that’s not sincere or authentic, I don’t know what is.  I’m not perfect by any means but I know what makes my heart beat now more than I ever have and I immerse myself in it as often as possible.

Take a look around you.  We are in a shitstorm.  Politicians are killing us.  Terrorists are killing us.  Our jobs are killing us.  Money problems are killing us.  We are killing ourselves.  There was a debate on my Facebook page this week about which politician was the lesser of evils.  Does it matter? Really, deep down, does it matter? Do we have any control?  Will we have any more or less under a new regime?  I’m not trying to play the doomsday card.  I’m trying to convey that now, more than ever, is a time for individualism.  I’ve had to accept the world for what it is to fully embrace that notion.  It’s “absurd and meaningless.”  Don’t jump off of a cliff – The entire world isn’t meaningless to me.  But many of the things we’ve made important as a society are meaningless.  

The media, politicians, govt leaders, preachers, the Kardashian’s, Lady Gaga, Kanye, Trump, Cruz, Hillary, Bernie…..all flawed and unworthy of the attention they are given.  Not aiming for a political theme here but let this sink in.  We are in the middle of deciding who the leader of the free world is between (1) a socialist who thinks the harder you work, the more you should pay to those that don’t, (2) a real estate tycoon and tv personality who pitches a fit and calls people names when faced with a tough discussion, (3) a script reading, slogan slinging politician that touts his faith and religion who may or may not have slept with half of Washington and (4) possibly one of the worst human beings I can think of that is married to someone who actually did sleep with half of Washington.  All of them would be a step up from our current situation.  As Alicia often says, “Jesus people!”  Man, I’ve gotten sidetracked.  

Back to my point.  We are responsible for our own happiness.  It’s clear from all of the above that there are major aspects of our world that are beyond repair in our lifetime.  We define ourselves and that should be our focus.  One of the tenets of existentialism is that while we are responsible for our actions, we are also defined by how we act.  By default, the way we choose to act defines us.  If you do unsavory things, you are an unsavory person.  If you do well unto others, you are a caring person.  Your situation can’t define you.  Poverty can’t be a reason for crime.  Fear can’t be a reason for solitude.  Pain can’t be a reason you inflict pain on others.  Authentic living is the ability to invent yourself and then live as yourself.  Not necessarily as you were raised or as someone “like you” should live.  Most likely these things help shape you but ultimately the decisions you make should be your own.  When you start making decisions with your own heart, your true self is formed and you are projected onto others.  

I know, quite a rant filled subject for a Saturday night but sometimes it all becomes too much in my head and it’s got to hit the paper.  This helps it all fall away.  It’s also part of my evolution.  I’m trying to break free of the clutches of the culture that we have created over the last couple of decades.  In doing so, I realize that I don’t need to do it alone and I need to try and bring as many people with me as I can.  We might have to rebuild this place one day….possibly sooner rather than later.  There has to be more of us out there than them, right?  I envision this futuristic scene where the world is decaying and the population is fighting for what they want and need with no regard for others.  A small group of strong, kind, honest people will travel from place to place helping others that can’t help themselves.  By virtue of those good deeds, the group grows in numbers until they are large enough to take back society and their world. It reminds me of Fallout 4, a video game set in a post nuclear world.  The truth is without my knowledge of that game, it would remind me of the actual world we are living in today.  All we really know is ourselves.  We have to understand that and grow from there.  That’s how we take back our own world.  And in the least selfish way I can mean it, our own world is the most important.  When we control that, we can start to make more profound changes around us.
Joey

  There are a lot of us out there.  A lot more than I thought at least.  I see the Facebook posts and I sense the struggle.  I understand as well as anyone.  It’s always better when you know you’re not alone but the prevalence can’t be a good thing.  While comforting for a period of time, there’s still no permanent peace that can be found, even when talking about it amongst the like minded.  We can’t fix it on our own either.  Some people don’t really get it.  Sometimes I revisit moments and don’t get it either.  It’s grueling though, being an over-thinker.

I’m an experienced over-thinker.  I like to consider myself a polished, seasoned vet.  I have advanced to the stage of fully recognizing it as it is happening but am still powerless to stop it.  It’s a better place to be in all honesty.  I used to not know it was going on.  I just chalked it up to being analytical and everybody else just not looking at it from the same angle.  Now I understand that I’ve created most of the angles I’m looking from.  But knowing it’s happening and being ok with it are two separate things altogether.  Just today, I panicked after I clicked send on an email.  I pulled up the sent item and read it about 10 times to make sure I said what I meant.  Modern technology has become the devil for the over-thinker.  Emails, texts, even voicemails are triggers for the mind blender.  Try multi-tasking and sending an email and leaving a voicemail at the same time.  Whoa, I just got chills.

Those things are just the tip of the iceberg.  Have you ever had a conversation with someone new or someone important and, as you walked away, you thought to yourself, “what exactly did I just say?”  That sounds like paranoia but that’s a symptom of overthinking.  See, you can’t have a normal encounter.  Each encounter has to have some type of meaning.  If it doesn’t, it will after you obsess over the events of the encounter.  Did I smile?  Did I act preoccupied?  Did I say something stupid?  What did I actually say?  I don’t even remember.  What are they thinking now after they left?  Are they doing the same thing I’m doing right now?  It can be quite exhausting.  And 99 times out of 100, it was as mundane an encounter as you can imagine.  But mundane is not in the over-thinker’s vocabulary.  

It’s not all bad though.  It makes us pretty detailed and thoughtful in our conversations.  As I’ve become more experienced with it, I’ve learned how to structure my thoughts and conversations to withstand that mental questioning, post encounter.  I can earmark high points that I know will come up in the playback.  This may all sound absurd to some of you that haven’t been there but somebody is reading this and nodding their head in agreement.  It helps me remember things I would otherwise forget.  Some people ask me how I remember certain things.  A lot of times, I’ve replayed it 30 times in my head.  All of this has helped me be successful in my job.  I’ve made a personal rule that I’m not going to talk work in my blog but I will say in a vague manner that my job can be a minefield of legal do’s and don’ts – highly regulated if you will.  My over-thinking can absolutely bog me down but many times it proves to be worth it.  Recounting phone calls and meetings has proven to be a viable asset.

It also makes us pretty good at analyzing music.  I know that I aggravate my friends when I send them a video of a song that has some profound meaning to me.  To them, it’s just a song; a collection of words put to music.  To me, the song has elaborate meaning and somehow speaks to me on a different level and I expect it to do the same for them.  It’s a great escape. Over-thinker’s don’t lay down at night and fall asleep in minutes so popping some headphones on and letting a few songs talk to our soul is sometimes just the perfect sleep aid.  People may not get me but music does.  That’s a primary driver in my taste in music too.  No dirt roads and whiskey in songs for me.  I need my lyrics to twist my thoughts into cryptic memos.  Heath and I spend a lot of time breaking down what is said in songs and we have totally different views sometimes but they make sense.  Over-thinking at its best is taking a sentence, lyric or message and interpreting it totally different than someone else but still seeing their point.

Clearly, the worst part of over-thinking is what it can do to our relationships.  Many times, conversations or messages can be of very little consequence but we can force our interpretations on them and they become very impactful, to us.  A delayed response in text?  No response in email?  No return call?  These can all be misread very easily because we have a knack for making everything about us.  We were taken the wrong way or we said something inappropriate or we just aren’t well liked.  It’s most likely that the other person got busy or a response slipped their mind or it could even be that a response wasn’t warranted.  Those explanations are too simple.  I don’t think the government was behind the JFK Assassination but I can create a cospiracy about somebody not texting me back that would make Dale Gribble look reasonable.  

Even this post is going to be analyzed several times before I click “post”.  Even more times AFTER I click “post”.  Limited views means that I suck at writing or my opinion is stupid.  A lot of views means that everybody wants to stop and laugh at the crazy guy.  I guess I’m the Goldilocks of the blog world; I need just the right amount of views.  You see what I mean?  The sad part is that this stuff barely even scratches the surface.  It’s a prevalent part of daily life for anyone with this disorder.  One thing I no longer worry about though is what people think about me admitting I have the problem.  I have enough to worry about without throwing that in the equation.  I’m an over-thinker!  Odds are, you already knew that.  But this is the part where I stand up to it and tell you that it’s ok if you have the same problem.  It may not help you overcome it but you’re not alone with it.  You’re not strange or different.  You’re probably more normal than you realize.  Unless you want to be strange or different.  Knock yourself out with that too.  All I ask is that you respond to my snapchat…..

Joey

  I enjoyed putting together the previous list of pet peeves and have realized that there are even more things that get on my nerves.  That’s a bit ironic – I enjoy discussing things that annoy me.  Or maybe I enjoyed seeing others agree with me, I don’t know.  I guess I’m an old curmudgeon at this point in my life but I just don’t understand a lot of things that I see every day.  Maybe I’m guilty of these at some point and don’t even realize it, which would make me quite the hypocrite.  Although these are in part 2, they are no less annoying.  A couple of these were kind reminders in the comments on the first post that I agree with.  So without further ado, let’s jump back into the insanity.

•  Parking Lot Sharks – We all know this one.  I experience it quite often as an avid Publix customer.  This one didn’t bug me so much before I had kids but now it’s more noticeable.  You see the cars slowly rolling up and down the parking aisles waiting on someone to get in their car so they can have that close spot.  Sometimes they’ll pull up behind you and creep along your backside to see if you might be their mark.  If you walk too far, they’ll go ahead and pass but if you are close to the store, they’ll slam the brakes and throw that blinker on.  Doesn’t matter if you have a cart full of groceries and a baby that has to go in a car seat, they’ll wait…staring….holding up cars behind them that are getting impatient.  All just waiting on you.  No rush.  My new strategy is to walk past my truck a couple of spaces and then turn back to it.  They are already too far to put it in reverse.  I know….I can be an a-hole too.  
• People that take up two parking spots – While on the subject of parking lots, this one is a must.  I see it alllll the time.  I drive a larger vehicle that is sometimes hard to park.  An open space doesn’t always mean I can park there.  This one can happen two different ways.  First, the car is already parked in two spaces meaning that you have to go further to find a less encumbered spot.  Secondly, it can happen after you have already parked, making your exit a nightmare.  I don’t always get it right but I always look at my spot and see if an adjustment needs to be made before I go in the store.  I’m not above re-parking to get it right, or make Alicia happy.  
• Restaurants being out of something – While this one bugs me, it REALLY bugs Alicia.  It happens to her more than anyone I know.  We love B Dub’s but we don’t even go there on Sunday nights anymore because we had a bad run with them being low on supplies.  Even ketchup one night.  Apparantly, the deliveries come on Monday morning.  But even worse is when you are craving something.  One local restaurant spoiled us with fried green tomatoes and the next three times we went, they were out.  That last time, we didn’t even stay.  We asked up front and bailed.  You should never run out of A-1 at a steak house, ketchup at a burger joint or napkins at any place.  It’s aggravating enough when you run out at your own house.
• Rude drive thru – I get that this may not be the most fun job in America but you are getting paid to do it.  Learn what Thank You and Your Welcome are and you’re pretty much home free.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone through a drive thru and never heard a word from the window.  Nothing.  I’m not here for the unmatched service but give me some effort.
• Clueless shoppers – Ok, back to my Publix obsession.  I’m there almost daily.  I’ve come to know the store like the back of my hand.  Maybe I have more exposure to this issue because of my level of visits.  The scene is always the same though.  Cart in the middle of the aisle, customer looking for something and a traffic jam behind them.  Some people catch on and slide over and then some just stay put and keep looking.  Don’t mind us, we’re on your schedule.  Take your time, they didn’t make these aisles wide enough for two carts for a reason.  Nevermind that what you’re looking for is probably right in front of you.  I guess your lucky it’s not a poisonous snake.  There’s really only one way to handle those shoppers.  
• Price checkers – I get this one sometimes.  In some cases, that sale item was supposed to be $5 or $10 cheaper.  The ones that get me are the .10 or .50 arguments.  They happen, trust me.  “Wait, that apple juice was supposed to be 3.99, not 4.49.  I don’t care if I had 80 items, I need you to send someone back to aisle 2 and check my memory.  Take your time though, I’m parked in the fire lane.”
• Running out of OREO’s – This one I am guilty of too so I am voicing my displeasure and my disdain for my own shortcomings.  You go in the kitchen, have your mind set and headed to the OREO’s.  There they are – you open up that handy new peel back package.  There’s one left, or worse, it’s empty. There are few adjectives that can appropriately describe that empty feeling.  Depression, fear, outrage.  In a divorce, this should fall into the category “irreconcilable differences.”  Whoever left the package empty loses custody of the kids and house.  No need for mediation.  
• Forgetting something at the grocery store – Last one about shopping, I promise.  Ever spend a good hour at the grocery store, get home and start working on supper, only to realize that you forgot that one major item?  Hamburger meat for the spaghetti?  Buns for the hotdogs? Seasoning for the chili?  That is rage inducing, I don’t care how close you live to the store.  Maybe if you didn’t have to dodge those parking lot sharks and aisle blockers you’d keep your wits about you while getting you list completed.
• Litter Bugs – Come on dude.  You learned this when you were like 5.  Pick up your trash and throw it in the can. Don’t throw it out at 65 on the highway.  Don’t leave it on the table when there is a trash can right there.  Clutter up your house and yard all you want but don’t clutter up mine or public space.  Easy as that.  
• Pack searchers – This one will be in the weeds for some of you.  As a brief background, there are two major types of sports cards you can buy – hobby and retail.  You get hobby at a card shop or online and you get retail at Target or Wal Mart.  Hobby is always better because they have more hits and shop owners don’t let their customers search.  There are YouTube videos dedicated to outing these scumbags.  Card companies have done a lot to try and combat it with their packaging but there are real dedicated toolbags out there that find a way.  They feel all of the packs in WalMart, bringing in scales and tiny magnets, all in hopes of finding that one pack that is a little different than the others.  Those are the ones with the hits.  I’m fine if you can eyeball a pack and see a difference but when you bring in your searching kit, you can get bent.  Next time you go to Target, look at an open box of cards and you’ll see that the entire inventory has been rifled through.  Then they turn around and sell them on EBay as guaranteed hits.  You’ve ruined retail for the general public.  Thanks asshats!  
• Politicians – Timing is perfect for this one.  Elections are coming up and I’ve been watching various debates and trying to avoid the usual political ads.  These people really are the worst.  It should tell the entire political world something when Donald Trump is leading.  People are sick of your rhetoric, your catch phrases and your perfectly combed hair.  Marco Rubio looks like the little guy that got picked on growing up.  Ted Cruz looks like a human version of a terminator machine.  He talks with a cadence that never changes, only gets a little louder when making a point.  Trump just calls everybody an idiot and continually says things are a “disaster”.  Kasich is palatable but he’s so far behind, he’d need the other three to drop out.  And Ben Carson is just happy to still be invited to the debates.  He can’t even get anybody to notice him.  And God help us all if Hillary or the Socialist get the nod.  And just a little word of advice for the local hopefuls – Standing at a red light and waving at me at election time is not the way to get my vote.  It’s corny and insincere.  Don’t be like those jack legs in Washington. 
• Fake outrage – While on the subject of politics and the like, can we all get a grip on ourselves and drop the BS anger about everything?  The Starbucks holiday cup, Mad Max with a female lead, Star Wars with a minority lead, The Oscars.  When will people realize that the media and Internet fuel all of this crap? A friend of mine always jumps to the lead on FB when these things come up.  He’s reminding everyone that something else is happening while we are distracted by Khloe Kardashian photoshopping a selfie.  Think about that for a minute.  A Kardashian photoshopped a selfie and social media actually stood still for this and it made the national news.  I’m angry at myself for even knowing this happened while I was living.  The world is going to hell in a hand basket and we’re appalled that someone who’s starved for media attention would dare alter an Instagram image of themselves.  The blue dress?  Rachel Dolezal?  The lipstick color named “under aged red”?  Come on people.  This is the result of giving participation trophies.  Some things in life just aren’t the way you want it and you’ve got to live with it.  
• “What happened next” Facebook posts – These are becoming more and more prevalent and they really steam my potatoes.  It’s some strange video of a guy riding a tiger that has the caption, “He thought it was a normal day.  What happened next will leave you speechless.”  You think, I gotta check this out.  You click and 13 minutes into the video, you realize there isn’t even a tiger in this story.  This is looking more and more like an advertisement.  You bastards!  I now avoid all click bait.  If it’s legitimate, I’ll hear about it eventually.
• NASCAR on Fox – It’s Sunday, I’m watching racing and I’m as annoyed as ever.  Darrell Waltrip starts us off with a stifling “Boogity, Boogity, Boogity” for the one millionth time.  Mike Joy continues to use his 1950’s one liners.  Now Jeff Gordon is in the booth to give us his take.  Larry Mac is “splainin” something to us in the garage with the cutaway car.  I’ve been taught what drafting and wedge and rear spoilers are for the hundredth time.  These guys are horrendous.  I’d rather hear Verne and Gary call a Bama/Florida game.  
• Open Mouthed Chewers – This one was a Clem special but right on the money.  Now, I have been accused of being a loud chewer with potato chips and such.  Right, Alicia?  But I do try and keep my mouth closed when I eat.  During supper is not the time to launch into deep conversation.  Food goes in, mouth closes and you chew and swallow.  I don’t need to see what chewed up steak looks like before it goes down.  I have a pretty good idea of the characteristics of chewed food with two kids.  Every now and then, take a big swig of water too to wash down that potato skin stuck to your gums too.

Well, another batch of peeves are out there.  Maybe one day everyone will realize that I just don’t like much at all.  I’m starting to realize it more and more everyday.  As a matter of fact, I tabled at least 5 more during this post.  What say you?  Are these on your list?  

Joey

  Life is a long and winding road, if we are lucky.  It has been established that I am getting old so I won’t beat that dead horse.  But let’s assume that I’m over halfway there.  And barring an unforeseen softball or video game tragedy, let’s assume I stick around a while longer.  I think I have learned a lot over the years but I know I have a considerable amount of learning still on the horizon.  But what should I expect from this second half, so to speak?  In sports, you have to make adjustments in the second half to finish strong.  You have to learn from your mistakes.  If you don’t, you’ll either blow the lead you have or fall further behind in the deficit.  

I’ve learned a lot about people in 39 years.  I’ve learned that only a few can be completely trusted and they should be kept close.  I hope that will help me spend less time and energy on those that are not in my life for the right reasons.  That might sound a bit brutal but another thing I’ve learned is that you have to be honest with yourself.  There are a lot of people that will tell you what you want to hear or soften words to spare your feelings.  That’s all well and good but you have to be honest with yourself.  That doesn’t mean you have to be hard on yourself, just honest.  And if I am being honest, I have to accept that I spend a lot of time trying to please or impress people that don’t deserve the effort.  That can’t continue in the second half.

One of the best compliments I’ve received recently was in a Facebook post on my birthday.  It’s one that made me feel good about where I am in life and what I project on others around me.  A close friend said that they “loved my transparency”.  That may seem like a throw away line but that tells me that, at least to some, I am “what you see is what you get.”  That is the Dewey in me and something I’ve aspired to be for a long time.  I may not fit in with everybody but I’m going to make sure that I enjoy being in the presence of those that I do fit in with.  

It takes everybody time to figure who they are.  I’ve changed more in the last 3 years than the first 36 combined.  It’s really been a combination of events, some I’ve written about and some that stay locked in my head.  But I have become more accepting of myself and my flaws.  I don’t deny them.  I want to improve them but I can clearly  acknowledge they are there.  I can be needy sometimes.  I wonder why somebody doesn’t text right back.  I wonder if somebody doesn’t want to do something WITH ME or if they just don’t want to do something.  I wonder if I have offended someone if they aren’t happy, or at least chipper, when we talk.  That’s a big change I want to make.  It’s not always about me.  People have bad days and people can’t always give you their best.  

That leads to a similar area of concern; a “needs improvement” if you will.  People aren’t always going to reciprocate feelings that you project on them.  Sometimes I feel like I really get along with someone or I could talk to them about anything.  Then, I kind of put myself out there and realize that I’m just out there by myself.  For one, some people are not as accepting as others.  But also, some people are just guarded and will never feel the openness that I feel in friendship.  I want to be more accepting of that going forward and not take it personal.  A close friend could tell me just about anything, as long as it wasn’t disparaging to me or someone I love, and I would accept it and try to understand it.  That, I am proud of and want to continue.  But I can’t expect that in all people.  

Sometimes I wonder how much I’ve experienced is real or just my perception.  It’s all felt pretty real.  I guess that’s what’s important, feel.  I want to feel even more.  I can watch a movie or listen to a song and experience feelings and emotions that really sharpen my perspective.  Alicia doesn’t watch certain emotional shows or movies because she doesn’t like that challenge.  I get that but for some reason I want to feel it all.  Maybe that’s why I have that “experiencing others feelings” condition that E Dub says I have.  I’ve never really shied away from feelings.  There probably aren’t a lot of men who would admit to that.  Again, honesty within ourselves.  The more I feel, the more I understand.  And sometimes those feelings are hard to find or not manly to acknowledge.  It works for me though.

For all of these issues, whether I’m comfortable with them or they need improvement, self awareness is the key.  That’s my goal for the second half – developing true self awareness.  I want to understand why these things are important to me.  I want to separate myself from the events in my life that happen arbitrarily.  I want to understand when it is my fault and when it’s not.  Not self-concious, but self aware.  If my goal is true transparency, then I have to reach the highest level of self awareness.    I have a chance to improve that tomorrow…..and then the next day.  Let the games begin.
Joey

  Have you ever wondered about the end?  What if you knew when it would be?  Just for you personally.  Would it make you live every day and experience everything you could?  Or would you sit there and think “one day closer” and live in fear or sadness?  Really, the answer should be the same even though we don’t know when that last day is coming.  Because, really, that’s the scary part….we don’t know.  It could happen at any time and most of us live with the attitude that we will get to something tomorrow or we treat someone as if we know beyond the shadow of a doubt that we will see them again.  I know I do both of those things.  But what really scares me even more than not knowing when is realizing that I may not get that big thing done and it may have some ripple effect or, worse, my last encounter or conversation with someone will be one that is not representative of the relationship we had.

It’s easy to say you have an attitude of “living in the moment” but we are all alike in this aspect.  We never think that today might be it.  That’s not a part of our decision making and I’m not necessarily advocating that it should be but there is something there that intrigues me enough to give it thought.  I guess the first thing is to distinguish the difference between living in fear of the world around us and just simply considering that a task you are completing or a conversation you are having might need a little extra care.  It only really takes a little inner dialogue to realize that we don’t treat our time spent enjoying life and friends and family with the proper reverence.

I’m going to go on a little hypothetical trip and show you what I mean.  If tonight was the last night I had on this earth, what would these answers tell me?  Some of these have positive, reassuring answers but some of them remain either unanswered or incomplete.  If this was it, would Alicia know that I love her more than anyone I’ve ever loved or ever will again?  Does she know that nothing could ever come between us?  Does she know that I would lay my life down for hers without question?  After all, isn’t that what a husband is?  Isn’t that the role we take as men when we take a wife?  Have I shown that today or would there be some question in her mind?  It kinda makes me want to treat tomorrow differently if I get it.

What about Bailey?  She knows that I love her.  But would she know what a man is supposed to be in her life?  Would she have the right expectation of how she should be treated and respected?  Would she understand what it feels like to experience unconditional love and always have the key to my heart?  The same could be asked of Georgia but she is too young to get any of it at this point.  Again I ask, isn’t that the role of a father?  To let your children know that they are your most precious possessions and your love for them knows no bounds?

I believe that our daily interactions help to build those foundations with our family and friends.  I also believe that they are easier to tear down than build up and that should always be understood.  There is a saying that “Trust takes years to build, seconds to destroy and a lifetime to repair.”  Couldn’t that be said about love, respect and many other positive emotions?  Do people have bad days?  Of course, but that isn’t the problem.  The problem is when those bad days become weeks and then months and maybe even years.  I know personally that you only have to let me down a couple of times and I am moving on.  But even bad days can end on positive notes by telling people how you feel.  

We don’t really do that enough though.  Feelings are implied or revealed these days by actions and that is how it should be.  After all, talk is cheap, but have you ever told somebody to shut up while they were telling you how much they cared about you?  Me either.  The actions should be supported by the verbal confirmation.  Or vice versa.  Silence is often times confused with indifference or nonchalance.  That’s not how I feel about my most important relationships but I know I don’t say it or show it like I should.  It doesn’t even have to be mushy or lovey to qualify.  I don’t know the last time I told CJ or Michele or Barry or Crystal or Eron or Chris or Byron or any of my good friends that I appreciated their place in my life.  It’s been implied before but I have a tendency to take the “you know what’s up” route.  I think I may even start ending my conversations with CJ with, “I love you bud!”  Just joking Clem.  My point is that people should know where they stand with us.  That is an effort I want to improve.  If tonight was my last night, there are probably several people that would think “yeah, me and Joey were pretty good friends” and it’s really more than that but I may not have let them know their importance in my life.  

I’ve mentioned here in the blog several friends and what memories we’ve made and what they mean to me.  Maybe you read about Coop last night.  Or maybe you’ve realized how many times I’ve mentioned Mike or Byron.  A lot of people read how near and dear Z is to my heart.  But in reality, it’s more than all of that.  Those and many others are the reason I am who I am today.  My parents, my family, Alicia, Bailey, Georgia and my closest friends make up what it is you see in me.  They are the motivation for me to write these stories.  They are the ones who the memories are about. They are the ones that have to know how I feel when I don’t know how to say it.  There will no doubt be more stories about these friends and the times we’ve had (as long as people keep reading).  I still have to talk about the many memories Alicia and I have made over the last 20 years.  Bailey and G are just little kids so the best times are still ahead.  I haven’t told you about the SOTC softball team yet or the things I can’t wipe from my memory that us and The Normans have done.  I’ve still got memories to make with The Collins’ and The Olsen’s and The Henderson’s and Willie McJohnson and many others.  I have a whole list of Dewey stories that have already appeared in video but need to be put in print for posterity.  Pam is the one who has always pushed me to do things just like this.  I could go on and on but for now, I want those people to know that they are special.  Everyone of them.  That’s why I write about you.  That’s my way of saying I Love You and I appreciate all of the memories.  If this is my last night on this earth, know all of this to be true!

Joey