The Last Night

  Have you ever wondered about the end?  What if you knew when it would be?  Just for you personally.  Would it make you live every day and experience everything you could?  Or would you sit there and think “one day closer” and live in fear or sadness?  Really, the answer should be the same even though we don’t know when that last day is coming.  Because, really, that’s the scary part….we don’t know.  It could happen at any time and most of us live with the attitude that we will get to something tomorrow or we treat someone as if we know beyond the shadow of a doubt that we will see them again.  I know I do both of those things.  But what really scares me even more than not knowing when is realizing that I may not get that big thing done and it may have some ripple effect or, worse, my last encounter or conversation with someone will be one that is not representative of the relationship we had.

It’s easy to say you have an attitude of “living in the moment” but we are all alike in this aspect.  We never think that today might be it.  That’s not a part of our decision making and I’m not necessarily advocating that it should be but there is something there that intrigues me enough to give it thought.  I guess the first thing is to distinguish the difference between living in fear of the world around us and just simply considering that a task you are completing or a conversation you are having might need a little extra care.  It only really takes a little inner dialogue to realize that we don’t treat our time spent enjoying life and friends and family with the proper reverence.

I’m going to go on a little hypothetical trip and show you what I mean.  If tonight was the last night I had on this earth, what would these answers tell me?  Some of these have positive, reassuring answers but some of them remain either unanswered or incomplete.  If this was it, would Alicia know that I love her more than anyone I’ve ever loved or ever will again?  Does she know that nothing could ever come between us?  Does she know that I would lay my life down for hers without question?  After all, isn’t that what a husband is?  Isn’t that the role we take as men when we take a wife?  Have I shown that today or would there be some question in her mind?  It kinda makes me want to treat tomorrow differently if I get it.

What about Bailey?  She knows that I love her.  But would she know what a man is supposed to be in her life?  Would she have the right expectation of how she should be treated and respected?  Would she understand what it feels like to experience unconditional love and always have the key to my heart?  The same could be asked of Georgia but she is too young to get any of it at this point.  Again I ask, isn’t that the role of a father?  To let your children know that they are your most precious possessions and your love for them knows no bounds?

I believe that our daily interactions help to build those foundations with our family and friends.  I also believe that they are easier to tear down than build up and that should always be understood.  There is a saying that “Trust takes years to build, seconds to destroy and a lifetime to repair.”  Couldn’t that be said about love, respect and many other positive emotions?  Do people have bad days?  Of course, but that isn’t the problem.  The problem is when those bad days become weeks and then months and maybe even years.  I know personally that you only have to let me down a couple of times and I am moving on.  But even bad days can end on positive notes by telling people how you feel.  

We don’t really do that enough though.  Feelings are implied or revealed these days by actions and that is how it should be.  After all, talk is cheap, but have you ever told somebody to shut up while they were telling you how much they cared about you?  Me either.  The actions should be supported by the verbal confirmation.  Or vice versa.  Silence is often times confused with indifference or nonchalance.  That’s not how I feel about my most important relationships but I know I don’t say it or show it like I should.  It doesn’t even have to be mushy or lovey to qualify.  I don’t know the last time I told CJ or Michele or Barry or Crystal or Eron or Chris or Byron or any of my good friends that I appreciated their place in my life.  It’s been implied before but I have a tendency to take the “you know what’s up” route.  I think I may even start ending my conversations with CJ with, “I love you bud!”  Just joking Clem.  My point is that people should know where they stand with us.  That is an effort I want to improve.  If tonight was my last night, there are probably several people that would think “yeah, me and Joey were pretty good friends” and it’s really more than that but I may not have let them know their importance in my life.  

I’ve mentioned here in the blog several friends and what memories we’ve made and what they mean to me.  Maybe you read about Coop last night.  Or maybe you’ve realized how many times I’ve mentioned Mike or Byron.  A lot of people read how near and dear Z is to my heart.  But in reality, it’s more than all of that.  Those and many others are the reason I am who I am today.  My parents, my family, Alicia, Bailey, Georgia and my closest friends make up what it is you see in me.  They are the motivation for me to write these stories.  They are the ones who the memories are about. They are the ones that have to know how I feel when I don’t know how to say it.  There will no doubt be more stories about these friends and the times we’ve had (as long as people keep reading).  I still have to talk about the many memories Alicia and I have made over the last 20 years.  Bailey and G are just little kids so the best times are still ahead.  I haven’t told you about the SOTC softball team yet or the things I can’t wipe from my memory that us and The Normans have done.  I’ve still got memories to make with The Collins’ and The Olsen’s and The Henderson’s and Willie McJohnson and many others.  I have a whole list of Dewey stories that have already appeared in video but need to be put in print for posterity.  Pam is the one who has always pushed me to do things just like this.  I could go on and on but for now, I want those people to know that they are special.  Everyone of them.  That’s why I write about you.  That’s my way of saying I Love You and I appreciate all of the memories.  If this is my last night on this earth, know all of this to be true!

Joey