Life is a long and winding road, if we are lucky. It has been established that I am getting old so I won’t beat that dead horse. But let’s assume that I’m over halfway there. And barring an unforeseen softball or video game tragedy, let’s assume I stick around a while longer. I think I have learned a lot over the years but I know I have a considerable amount of learning still on the horizon. But what should I expect from this second half, so to speak? In sports, you have to make adjustments in the second half to finish strong. You have to learn from your mistakes. If you don’t, you’ll either blow the lead you have or fall further behind in the deficit.
I’ve learned a lot about people in 39 years. I’ve learned that only a few can be completely trusted and they should be kept close. I hope that will help me spend less time and energy on those that are not in my life for the right reasons. That might sound a bit brutal but another thing I’ve learned is that you have to be honest with yourself. There are a lot of people that will tell you what you want to hear or soften words to spare your feelings. That’s all well and good but you have to be honest with yourself. That doesn’t mean you have to be hard on yourself, just honest. And if I am being honest, I have to accept that I spend a lot of time trying to please or impress people that don’t deserve the effort. That can’t continue in the second half.
One of the best compliments I’ve received recently was in a Facebook post on my birthday. It’s one that made me feel good about where I am in life and what I project on others around me. A close friend said that they “loved my transparency”. That may seem like a throw away line but that tells me that, at least to some, I am “what you see is what you get.” That is the Dewey in me and something I’ve aspired to be for a long time. I may not fit in with everybody but I’m going to make sure that I enjoy being in the presence of those that I do fit in with.
It takes everybody time to figure who they are. I’ve changed more in the last 3 years than the first 36 combined. It’s really been a combination of events, some I’ve written about and some that stay locked in my head. But I have become more accepting of myself and my flaws. I don’t deny them. I want to improve them but I can clearly acknowledge they are there. I can be needy sometimes. I wonder why somebody doesn’t text right back. I wonder if somebody doesn’t want to do something WITH ME or if they just don’t want to do something. I wonder if I have offended someone if they aren’t happy, or at least chipper, when we talk. That’s a big change I want to make. It’s not always about me. People have bad days and people can’t always give you their best.
That leads to a similar area of concern; a “needs improvement” if you will. People aren’t always going to reciprocate feelings that you project on them. Sometimes I feel like I really get along with someone or I could talk to them about anything. Then, I kind of put myself out there and realize that I’m just out there by myself. For one, some people are not as accepting as others. But also, some people are just guarded and will never feel the openness that I feel in friendship. I want to be more accepting of that going forward and not take it personal. A close friend could tell me just about anything, as long as it wasn’t disparaging to me or someone I love, and I would accept it and try to understand it. That, I am proud of and want to continue. But I can’t expect that in all people.
Sometimes I wonder how much I’ve experienced is real or just my perception. It’s all felt pretty real. I guess that’s what’s important, feel. I want to feel even more. I can watch a movie or listen to a song and experience feelings and emotions that really sharpen my perspective. Alicia doesn’t watch certain emotional shows or movies because she doesn’t like that challenge. I get that but for some reason I want to feel it all. Maybe that’s why I have that “experiencing others feelings” condition that E Dub says I have. I’ve never really shied away from feelings. There probably aren’t a lot of men who would admit to that. Again, honesty within ourselves. The more I feel, the more I understand. And sometimes those feelings are hard to find or not manly to acknowledge. It works for me though.
For all of these issues, whether I’m comfortable with them or they need improvement, self awareness is the key. That’s my goal for the second half – developing true self awareness. I want to understand why these things are important to me. I want to separate myself from the events in my life that happen arbitrarily. I want to understand when it is my fault and when it’s not. Not self-concious, but self aware. If my goal is true transparency, then I have to reach the highest level of self awareness. I have a chance to improve that tomorrow…..and then the next day. Let the games begin.
Joey
Awesome read 🙂