Category: Thoughts

  How do you feel about tattoos?  That’s a question that could elicit a myriad of responses.  Over my 38 (so close to 39) years, they have gone from forbidden to subcultural to now just a normal part of culture.  As a young guy, I never imagined having any.  I didn’t really know many people that did except for relatives who had been in the military.  And those were mostly your standard issue anchors or swords or something.  I still don’t know another Shiver with a tattoo besides me or my brother.  Pam and Dewey raised a couple of hellions.  On the other hand, the Kelly side of the family has gotten all inked up over the years.  

My first tattoo was the ever popular barb wire when I was 21.  Talk about generic.  It was the act of getting one that was the big thing for me.  I had thought about it for a while and was pretty heavy into rock music where it was becoming a little more visible.  I was experimenting with various hair colors and styles so the time was ripe to check out tattoos.  This was 1998 when tattoos were not nearly as popular as they are now.  I went by myself, because Leslie bailed on me at the last minute, to American Horse on Broad Ave and took a look at the designs available in the various books.  That would be the first and last time I ever did that.  I was extremely unprepared.

From what I understood, Horse was an old school tattoo artist with a good reputation.  But I was nervous without a doubt.  There was a client in the chair when I got there so I waited in the front of the shop.  I heard some commotion while I waited and it made me a bit more anxious.  Then, without warning, the client comes out of the back, shirtless, with half of a panther on his chest, with what I could only guess were tears in his eyes.  This guy was rather large too.  My decision at that moment looked like one of the dumbest ever.  Could I back out at this point?  Could I possibly go through with it?  Horse came out with a smile on his face and said “Don’t worry about that guy.  He thought he was a badass.  I’ll go easy on you.” That was the moment that I learned my first lesson of the tattoo’d life.  The man with the tattoo machine is in control and he deserves your utmost respect and attention when your skin is in his hands.  

So I trusted him and I went through with it.  It was not the most pleasant thing I had ever done but it wasn’t as bad as I had thought it would be.  There was something strangely enjoyable about it at the time.  I don’t know if it was because I was actually going through with it or if it was just the fact that I made it through without walking out.  The outer arm is not nearly as sensitive as the chest but I felt a nice sense of accomplishment by completing the sitting.  I was pleased with the way it turned out and couldn’t wait to update my wardrobe with new sleeveless shirts.  Again, I was 21 and it was my first tattoo.  Then came the aftercare.  I didn’t realize the transformation the skin would go through over the next couple of weeks.  It basically all died where the tattoo was and peeled away revealing the smooth finished product.  But I went through a lot of lotion during that 2 week period keeping it conditioned.  Also had to keep it out of the sun during the dead of summer.  The first tattoo was a weird experience and I remember so much about those first couple of weeks.  I remember the bathroom mirror I stood in front of at Princeton Place checking it out.  I can still see the young version of me taking it all in.  

I have learned a lot about tattoos since that first one.  I’ve learned that a lot of thought should go into the reason you are about to permanently alter your skin.  I’m now at 5 total, 6 if you count the one that now covers the barb wire I got so many years ago.  You wouldn’t even know I ever had it now unless you look at old pictures.  More and more thought goes into my tattoos every time I add one.  They may seem meaningless to some that see them but that isn’t the point.  I’ve learned that the tattoo isn’t for others to like or dislike.  It’s for me to give an image that I like some life or meaning on my body.  Would you be surprised if I told you that the Deftones inspired all but one of my tattoos?  While they may seem only Deftones related, each one has a deep meaning to me and help paint a picture of various times in my life that were pivotal in my growth.  Too cheesy and deep for you?  Well, that’s part of loving tattoos.  They better mean something or you’ll start questioning what the hell you are doing.  

As I began thinking about my second tattoo, I was researching shops more.  I found a shop that I felt could be a place I could return to over and over, The Tattoo Shop on Slappey Blvd.  And I found an artist that could help take my thoughts of those Deftones images and make them unique to my skin.  That artist was Stan Getek.  He has now tattooed me 5 times and will be the only person to tattoo me unless he retires before I’m done.  I have a shop and an artist that I know will take care of me.  All of that is part of what I have learned since that first sitting.  When you get a tattoo, you are making a lifetime investment so you better be comfortable and trust the person doing it.  

My second tattoo was the white pony and star on my back.  A bit of evolution from the generic barb wire from my first visit.  The Deftones were now a part of me and I was showing the world that.  The pony and star have multiple meanings in culture but for me, it has always represented freedom.  The wild nature of the horse bolting through the star.  For the time I got it, it represented where I was at in life.  The next tattoo was a family tree after Bailey was born on the arm opposite the barb wire.  A large oak tree with individual carvings in the trunk to represent me, Alicia and Bailey.  I am currently working on the image to be added for Georgia to complete the family image.

After the third one, I realized that the experience I was enjoying was more than the tattoo.  There were so many senses in motion during the process.  I have made my love of music known in this forum and Stan has very good taste in that department and pumps music during the session.  He is a quiet man but when the tattoo is in process, the room is filled with the sound of rock/punk music and the steady buzzing of the tattoo needles.  It’s a sound that is very soothing to me.  It’s as relaxed as you can possibly be while needles are popping your skin.  Then there are the smells.  Sounds crazy but it’s real.  The smell I remember each time is that of clean metal and the antiseptics that are used during the entire process.  I don’t know what all of it is, but the smells are very distinct and I’ve become somewhat addicted to the entire setting.  Lastly, the feeling of the process.  I can’t explain what it feels like.  Does it hurt?  I’d say yes.  Is it agony?  No.  It’s a very strange sensation that you only understand when you feel it. Two of the last three tattoos I have gotten have been longer sessions and eventually, the skin just relents and tells you that it’s had enough. But until then, it’s really a feeling that is a calming pain.  

As I realized that I was becoming addicted to the process, I decided to begin exploring a cover up to the barb wire.  It was time to leave that one in the past and expand on the growing story on my skin.  The skull and roses were large and colorful and was able to blend right over the barb wire.  This was also a time in my life where depression was a constant and the skull was able to represent those feelings of hopelessness and fear.  The roses were the love that I felt around me from family and friends that kept me motivated to dig out of the dark phase I was in.  It is the largest and most colorful tattoo I have, which is fitting for what was likely the most volatile time of my life so far.  As I came out of that period, the next tattoo formed rather easily because of an image that was stuck in my head over the previous years.  The problem was that I was running out of space.  Working in a professional environment is not conducive to the tattoo enthusiast.

Stan recommended the location for the bandaged deer to be on the chest.  I immediately had flashbacks to my trip to American Horse.  But by this time, my faith in my artist trumped those fuzzy memories.  I went through with it and it was actually one of the least painful tattoos I have gotten.  The symbolism of the two deer bandaged but intertwined represented Alicia staying true and by my side through the dark depression times.  Although we were both worn out and bruised, the love was as strong as ever.

My most recent tattoo is probably my favorite in a visual sense.  The owl on my inner arm was also the most painful.  It was truly a test of my will to make it through that one.  There are more sensitive areas than the inner arm but I don’t have any tattoos in those places.  The ribs are supposed to be the worst but that won’t happen unless I have completely exhausted the rest of my skin.  The finished product was worth every second of the process.  Stan created this owl from a few conversations we had and a couple of looks at various Deftones images.  It is truly unique and to me represents the time I have been able to once again spread my wings and use the knowledge I’ve gained over the years to keep pushing along the right path.

My next one has already been developed in my mind and Stan has been given notice.  It will happen sometime before the summer and will embody yet another phase of my life.  I wish I could get it tomorrow but the timing has to be right.  That first trip to American Horse was rushed and not well planned.  Each of my tattoos have become more complex and meaningful and take more than just getting in the car and driving to the shop.  This may all sound corny to most of you but it means something to me.  I’m not an artist but I am able to have someone else take my thought process and give it a heartbeat.  

A lot of time has passed since that first tattoo.  My body, mind and soul has changed over that time and I am positive the tattoos I have gotten over the years have told the story of those changes.  Hopefully, I will have many more to look forward to but for now, the next one is the most important.  This is by far the most personal post I have made but that’s what each one is to me.  A personal story being told over years of change and growth.  And it’s almost time for the next chapter.

Joey

  
Do you ever stop and wonder what your destiny is?  I believe in fate.  I believe in karma.  I believe that all of our actions are essential to the events that have yet to unfold.  I don’t think I always stop and consider it when I take an action but I believe in the effects that are caused by that action.  Every day, we have a chance, or a choice if you will, to alter our future.  We can create our own destiny.  Some days are better than others and some days make us question what “this” is all for.  “This” is a broad generalization of life and our individual purpose.  I haven’t quite figured out mine and I don’t know when or if I ever will.

The Butterfly Effect is a very interesting concept to me.  The idea that the flap of a butterfly’s wings could cause a hurricane in some distant time and place.  It’s a concept that you can probably use to trace your current position in life back to various decisions you’ve made in the past.  It is rational when thinking backward but it doesn’t seem to possess the same power when thinking forward.  It’s hard to intentionally make a decision today and understand the full payoff in the future.  You can make what you think are the right decisions and hope for future benefits but the right decision today may not be the right decision in the future.  So what are we to do?

The common sense thing to do is to make the best decision in the present and let it play out.  And to me, that’s what “this” is all about –  Letting life play out by making what we think are sound decisions in the here and now.  Sounds logical, rational and pretty unoriginal.  I’m not intending to break ground with that statement. I’m actually reminding myself on a day, when things went every way but the way I wanted, that the decisions I made to get here were sound when I made them before today.  That’s a very difficult thought to force into your head when things aren’t going well.  The natural thoughts are, “what did I do to deserve this?”, “how do I overcome this?” And sometimes even “are you shitting me with this?”  It’s almost insane to tell yourself, “let this play out and see what happens.”

That really seems to be the play though, in my mind.  Don’t misread that to mean that we shouldn’t make amends or correct mistakes.  Standing up and saying you were wrong about something is showing true humility and a desire to get better.  It also makes sense though to flap your wings again in an effort to create a new effect.  Turn your focus away from the negativity going on and find something positive to latch onto.  Sometimes that means closing the door on something or someone that doesn’t seem to be providing you with the fulfillment you need. That’s when you have a choice to alter your destiny.  It’s almost never easy but almost always necessary.  These are no doubt the moments that ripple throughout your life.

In those moments, it then becomes a time to rely on your own belief system, whatever that may be, to help you make those decisions.  No matter what that belief system is, know that your heart is always true to itself.  It will tell you all you need to know if you quiet your mind and listen.  In your darkest hour, that is your mightiest struggle, quieting the mind.  But it is the key.  I don’t know where tomorrow will take me or what my purpose is on this earth.  If I knew, the decisions would be easy.  What I do know is that I will serve a purpose.

So tonight I lay down with the following in my head, “You woke up thinking it was a normal day but it didn’t go as well as you had planned.  In fact, it was a pretty crappy day.  Realize that there are some choices to make.  It’s time to make the choices and then, if you’re lucky enough, you wake up tomorrow and let it play out.”

  
I am going to tiptoe into the waters of contention.  We all have pet peeves.  Some of these are even habits or ticks of our loved ones. It doesn’t mean that we love them any less.  It just means that they can piss us off from time to time by getting on our nerves.  Odds are, you will agree with a vast majority of these.  But then again, there is bound to be one that makes you think, “Is he talking about me?”  The answer is no.  I just think it’s time to publicly talk about some of these personal annoyances.  I’ll preface this entire post with the following disclaimer:

“These are my views and mine only.  Some of my friends and family may be guilty of these.  I know that I have been guilty of some of them in the past.  This is not a call out post nor is it driven by anyone in particular or anything that has happened recently.  Feel free to hate everything I do.  It’s a free country (for now) and you are entitled.  I love you all and I am having fun with this.”

And with that, let’s get started.  These are in no particular order.

• Parking in handicap spaces when you are not handicap – Ok, so this first one is probably on all of our lists.  It’s not just a pet peeve but illegal.  It’s an obvious one right?  Well, why do so many people get away with it?  The fire lane too for that matter.  A quick drop off and pick up in the fire lane is one thing but I have seen people park in the fire lane and go in and shop.  If it’s too small of an issue for the police to worry about, maybe the citizens should handle it. Who remembers the Seinfeld episode where George parked in the handicap spot and the other shoppers destroyed his car?  Is anybody running on that platform in the upcoming elections?
• Slow drivers in the left lane – Another obvious you are saying.  I’m not talking about people that are keeping me from speeding.  I guess I have to live with that.  No, I’m talking about people doing 45 in a 55 in the left lane.  Every single afternoon on the way home on 19.  Road rage be thy name.
• Not thanking (or even acknowledging) someone for opening or holding a door – Now this one is a little more obscure.  It doesn’t happen quite that often but when it does, it really gets me.  I think it’s the polite thing to do but when I hold the door and somebody breezes in like it’s their entrance to the red carpet, it leaves me miffed.  I usually give them a nice unsolicited “You’re welcome!”
• Ordering food and not eating it – This one is pretty specific for me.  Bailey is one of the pickiest eaters you’ll ever meet.  She also has no concept of the value of money.  She is usually so occupied with the kids menu or iPod that she just picks something.  When it’s time to eat, you’d think they brought her a plate of roadkill.  She turns her nose up and says “this isn’t what I thought it was.”  Oh really, that’s not a chicken strip?
• Talking during a movie – This could also qualify during a good song.  If you want to talk during Jackass or Nacho Libre, by all means, knock yourself out.  But when a man is watching Super Troopers, for the love of all that is holy, don’t talk over the punch lines.
• Bluetooth phone devices – How many times have you been on an elevator and thought a stranger was talking to you only to get the ole finger point to the ear as they expose the Bluetooth headset?  Yeah, kind of embarrassing.  When it happens a second time on the same elevator ride, it’s your own fault.  
• Writing a check at the grocery store – This an old gag for some standup comedians but it’s definitely enraging.  It’s 2016, even Dewey Shiver is rocking a debit card.  The check is written, the cashier has to check ID, write the license number and expiration on the memo line.  Print some serial items on the back of the check.  Come on, I’ve got cold milk here.  
• Going through the express lane with more than 10 items – Another retail nightmare.  I’ve even chatted with cashiers who don’t like this one.  As a cashier, you come off like a jerk if you turn people away but the guy with 4 items gives you the death stare when you take them.  I blame the customer on this one.  The sign says 10 items or less.  11 or 12 is acceptable but pushing it.  Get out of here with that full cart.
• 10 registers and 2 cashiers – This one is on the store.  Is it a staffing issue?  Too many people on break?  I can’t honestly think of a time that I’ve ever seen every line open.  Not that it would be feasible to do that all day, but let’s get some bodies in those kiosks.  As an added bonus, I always pick the wrong parking lot to use at Wal-Mart when they lock one of the entrances at 10 pm.  Curse you Wally World.
• Pay at the pumps that say “Clerk has receipt” – This is in my top 3 on this list.  As part of my OCD, I can’t simply drive off without my receipt.  That is inviting the state patrol to pull me over and question my activities at the station where I just pumped gas and drove off without that slip of paper.  Then laziness kicks in and says “Are you really going inside to get that receipt? ”  The answer is always yes and in 22 years of driving, I’ve never been pulled over on suspicion of not paying at the pump.
• Getting $20.01 in gas instead of $20.00 – Another gas pump nightmare.  It’s been a lot easier with gas prices under $2.00 per gallon but when they were over $4.00, you had to be Pistol Pete to get that nozzle stopped on the penny.  My twisted mind usually makes me pump another .99 in to get it rounded.  God help us all if I mess it up the second time around.
• Being an “expert” at something but pronouncing names and towns wrong – there are literally people on TV that get paid to talk about sports and can’t pronounce a players name.  I get it, they’re difficult to pronounce.  But it’s your job!  Verne and Gary are the worst.  They don’t just mispronounce, they get the whole name wrong.  Alex Ogletree, Damien Swain, Jarvis Jenkins, Rayquan Smith, Jason Scott Wesley?  All of these are wrong.  Is there nobody in their headsets telling them this?
• Country Music – Welp, you knew it had to be on this list.  I’ll spare everyone the dialogue on this one.  Just keep that stuff to yourselves.
• Hashtags – Ooof, this one has been a tough one or me for years.  So many people use them I’m beginning to think that maybe it’s just me.  But it can’t be.  I refuse to be wrong on this one.  First off, it’s a pound sign, not a hashtag.  Secondly, it was created to assist in search results in social media.  I.E. If everybody was talking about the Braves, you would search with #Braves.  I think it really lost its value when Charlie Sheen started #Winning.  Much love JFP!
• Anything called “The War On” – Nothing much to add.  Let’s just stop using it.  I don’t need to hear about the War on Soft Drinks.  The day soft drinks lead to a war is the day I’m checking out of this 3 star hotel.
• Debates on sports or news channels – Specifically, Stephen A. Smith and that blowhard Skip Bayless.  If you don’t know them, type them into YouTube and go load your gun.  You will be firing rounds into your screen in no time.  Political sparring is also rather fruitless.  There isn’t a person on tv or radio that will ever make a point that I am arguing against that leads me to say “you know, you’re right.  What have I been thinking?”
• Alicia asking me what I want for supper – Man, you want to see a simple situation go 0 to 100?  The dreaded question.  There is no right answer.  What I want isn’t what you want and definitely isn’t what Bailey wants.  What I want is a fat steak and potato but you can’t get that at Sonic.  I know this one goes both ways.  I also know that we are only one of millions of couples that experience this.  
• CrossFit posts on social media – This really isn’t as bad of a problem as it has been.  It’s still there.  The chick straining to toss the cinder block and using 7 filters to make it look rustic.  The dude body slamming a Tractor tire while grimacing in pure agony.  We get it guys, you work out really hard and you are better than the rest of us at WOD.  Whatever that is. Most cross fitters should take a hint from my man Heath Gilbert.  He lets his statuesque physique say “I do crossfit.”  His posts don’t have to.
• Any post on social media that says “Type Amen” or else – More social media nonsense.  I really don’t think that’s how it works.  A share doesn’t prove that I love God.  A like isn’t going to cure cancer and I’m not going to hell for not sharing a bible verse.  
• Controversial cryptic posts – This is a tricky one.  It’s a peeve because it turns me into an online investigator.  When someone posts”I saw someone today and you won’t believe what this person did.  I had such high respect for them before that.  It just goes to show you that he never grew up”.  You’re right, I don’t believe what he did because I don’t know who you are talking about people:  but thanks, you just sentenced me to a night of reading every post you’ve written to properly analyse this.  The comments you are receiving aren’t helping either because apparantly I’m the only one who doesn’t know.
• Grown men who used shaved bats – Well, here we are.  One of the saddest things to happen to adult softball.  It used to be about defense and base hitting and strategy.  I’m qualified to say “used to” because I’ve been playing it almost 20 years.  Now, the technology does most of the work.  It’s not hard to make contact in softball. If you have an illegal bat and you are 6’3, 250, give me a break with the grunting and whooping when you hit.  
• Grown men who still need to fight to prove their manhood – Thankfully, this is dwindling for the most part as well.  There are still those knuckleheads out there that want to mix it up.  I’ve never been a fighter.  I have a job to go to on Monday morning and I don’t want to do it with my face looking like hamburger meat.
• Sore winners – I’m looking right at you Florida Gators and FSU and Auburn and Bama…..just forget it.
• Healthy food – Plain and simple, it stinks.  CJ’s meatball subs, not a healthy choice.  Harvest Moon’s cheesy bread, same.  Eron’s brownies, bad bad.  I eat what I enjoy.  I may be dead at 45 but I sure will enjoy the next 7 years at the dinner table.
• Commercials on Internet videos – This one is new to us.  But it’s getting worse by the day.  I love YouTube.  I’ll watch tv shows, movies and funny vids all night sometimes.  Now, the commercial has made its way into my viewing.  Ads on our app games.  Ads on commercial free XM radio.  Enough!
• Being hot – Not in the looks department as I rather enjoy that. You deal with the hand you’re dealt right?  I’m talking temperature.  It’s a given that you are going to be hot in summer in So Georgia. Being hot in December just ticks me off.  When it’s time to sleep, fans on, air is low and I’m very light on the covers.
• Car pick up at school – This one is just odd to me.  I used to go read to Bailey’s class on Thursdays and would arrive at the school at 1:30.  The first couple of times I noticed one or two cars parked at the pickup area and thought nothing of it.  Later on I found out that these parents were legitimately sitting in a school parking lot 2 hours before school was dismissed so they could be first in line to get the kids.  I’ve been at the end of the line before and it takes about 15 minutes to get to the front.  What is the worth of sitting for 2 hours in the parking lot?  Unless you have a great talk radio setup.
• School traffic – I’m just going to say this.  Parents lose their mind and subsequently their driving abilities when they take their kids to school.  Parking spots are created from the slimmest of resources.  I find myself literally taking a deep breath after dropping Bailey off and being thankful that it is over.
• No reception or bad wifi – Until Pam and Dewy got wifi, I could go through a 100% battery in about 30 minutes and actually get through to about 3 websites.  There was always a score to check or an eBay item to buy that left me twisting in the Verizon-less Camilla wind.  
• Incoming phone calls when I’m watching a video – This is even worse when combined with the peeve above this one.  You’re sitting there letting this video load.  A painstaking process.  Then, you’re ready to go so you push play.  About 20 seconds in you get a call to pick up some milk at the grocery store.  The video doesn’t just stop, it restarts from the beginning.

Whew, I’m glad I got that off of my chest.  I could probably go on but that’s enough for one sitting.  I think I’ve gotten agitated enough.  I’ll get a Part 2 out one day I’m sure.  Maybe there won’t be too much backlash over this one and I’ll still have readers at that point. If you have one that you want to share, add it in the comment section and it might make the next one if I share the peeve with you.  Let’s get back out there and get annoyed.

Joey

  
I’ll warn you now.  This post is going to be a tangled mess.  But hang in there, I really think it leads somewhere.  It’s really easy to lose yourself in this world.  Everything is so chaotic.  You can see what everyone else is doing all the time and you can measure that against what you are doing and what you’ve accomplished.  But it always feels like it isn’t enough.  I’ve spent most of my adult life lost in some way; spiritually, emotionally, mentally.  I still have that lost feeling more often than I care to admit.  Many are the nights that I find myself looking for the light that shines the way home.  Let me tell you, life is a constant battle.  

It’s easy to write about the past and the good times because in those moments, I had it all figured out.  Maybe it was a lack of responsibility.  I didn’t have three beautiful girls that depended on me to be their provider and protector.  There are traps everywhere and if you aren’t vigilant and you let your guard down, boom!  That may be the toughest thing about being a parent so far.  There is a constant buzzing in your head telling you to stay focused, stay alert.  Even laying down in the bed at night brings its own set of boxes in your head to start checking.  

I have been accused of being overly cautious as a parent but my brain doesn’t know any other way.  I seem to be wired to not let anything happen on my watch.  The scariest part of that is the fact that things are going to happen, it’s life.  The guilt that comes with things that happen are an added weight for somebody with wiring like mine.  I’m not alone in this, there are many like me.  You know the feeling of guilt or pain when something happens around you and you can triple check things in your mind and find this one sliver of something you might could have done different to avoid it.  It is usually never legitimate but you’ll find something.  Overthinking at its best puts me at my worst.

I guess you could say that this makes me overly sensitive.  I wouldn’t argue with you.  Sometimes I wish I could be different but I don’t know if I would be where I am right now and have the people in my life that matter so much if I didn’t have that quality, for better or worse.  My friend Eron, or E-Dub as she is known in some circles, has classified me in the past as being someone who feels what’s going on in other people’s lives and situations and almost feeling their hurt or their disappointment to some degree.  I got that when she said it and I get it now.  I have taken some of those situations and made them my problem when I didn’t have to.  That helps intensify guilt or worry that I have in my own life sometimes and makes me even more cautious and sensitive.  Exhausted yet?

One thing I have learned over the years is how to deal with it for the most part.  There are many different remedies that work at different times.  One is simply writing this.  Before this blog, I wrote almost daily but just for myself and a select few that I would let read from time to time.  Putting thoughts on paper have always been one of my most successful escapes.  I can sometimes feel it leaving my mind and appearing on the paper.  If I could make it rhyme, maybe I could turn it into something asthetically pleasing to the eye in the form of a poem.  For now, it remains this jumbled collection of thoughts.  

Another escape for me is music.  That has already been documented.  But all of this is probably why I don’t get into songs about dirt roads or fishing or tight blue jeans.  All of those things are likeable but they don’t make me use my mind, which is my use for music.  It’s an art form that I can listen to and be amazed in the same way some hipster may look at a painting of a toaster and get some meaning from it.  When I occupy my mind with analytical thinking, it can sometimes carry over into the fuzzy side of the brain.  The side that lives in guilt and overthinking could use a role model.

Perhaps the most important combatant in this mental and emotional battle has been surrounding myself with people I genuinely care about and I think feel the same about me.  I’ve written before about how people in general have become unreliable in nature.  I really don’t mean that in a callous way.  It’s just the truth as I see it.  So everyday for me is reinforcing those relationships and letting those people know that I am still there.  It’s not always verbal or clear to the naked eye.  It could be a snapchat that makes them laugh or a picture that makes them cringe.  It’s My way of saying, “Hey, remember me?  I’m still here.  You can’t shake me that easily.”  Wait, what?  Just kidding about that last part.  

Everybody has their own form of communication with their friends and family.  Sometimes it’s a call, sometimes a text or a share on FB. I’m still learning how to communicate with certain people. I’m not very verbal, despite what you may think.  I find other ways and I think for the most part, those close to me get that.  Not being verbal doesn’t mean I’m an ass.  It usually means that there is a traffic accident happening in my mind and I’m trying to figure out how to get the scene cleared.  I have found the most success with words on paper or a screen.  So I stick with that.  I am usually a nervous idiot when I have to convey feelings face to face.

I guess those are some pretty consistent characteristics for an anxious, overthinking, sensitive, self-observer such as myself.  I was made to feel guilt, to hurt when I otherwise shouldn’t, and to be my own worst enemy.  I’ve come to terms with that.  That was a pretty relieving event in my life.  When I fought it, it came at me punch after punch.  But I’ve learned to live with it and make the most of it by using it when I can for good.  There are tons of people that I have become acquainted with that share my thought process and faults.  It’s really not the worst thing in the world to deal with even though I thought it was at one point in my life.  It helps to know you aren’t alone.  I am not alone.