Who Am I?

As we age, we start to try and figure out some things. Some are important, meaning of life type things. Others are simple, like how to put on a toilet paper roll correctly, up and over of course. But what’s more difficult is trying to figure out things about ourselves. We usually have an idea of how other people see us based on how we see ourselves. Never mind the fact that we can be bias and are almost always wrong. We also usually have an idea of how we want to portray ourselves. Again, the person we portray is not always who we are. So, the question becomes, “who are we?” Or more specifically, “Who Am I?”

 It is one of the troubling questions you begin to ask yourself when you have reached mid life. And no, I’m not talking about a mid life crisis. I am talking about understanding what we have been, what we can become and what we might always be. Some of it is hard to accept so we don’t like those answers and keep looking. We think “that can’t possibly be one of my traits”, and we blindly look for a more suitable answer. On the other hand, we run across something that we are proud of and we embrace that trait and pat ourselves on the back. I think that’s ok though. If we are going to really be honest with ourselves, we are going to need some good to go with the bad. We really just need to hope there is enough to even it out. I am trying to be honest with myself, though difficult at times. So I am going to try and be honest with you as I try and answer the question with the information I currently have as I near 40.

 I Am An Introvert – Yeah, believe it or not, I am. I can open up with my closest friends and family and let my guard down. In that regard, I may not be a full blown introvert. It is not debilitating but it is very much there. When I play softball with a new team, I may not say 10 words the whole day of a tournament. When I go to a meeting with new co-workers, I find my seat and keep to myself unless someone comes up to me. I’d rather hang out at my house than go out and do something. I’d rather watch a football game in my recliner than at a sports bar or even in person, unless it’s a huge game. I haven’t always been this way either. I used to have to be the center of attention. I used to be the comedian of the group. Now, only certain people get to see that side of me, God help them!

 I Am A Hypochondriac – I know this one is a shocker for some of you. It’s bad though. I am pretty sure I have emotionally had every major disease you can have. It’s even worse with my kids. Brain Amoebas, Flesh Eating Virus, Meningitis, all of the really bad ones. I take some of the craziest leaps when it comes to health concerns. I totally understand that these are legitimate concerns to parents and no one wants to go through these things. I just don’t have a rational way of dealing with the thoughts about them. I can reach a point of incapacitation. I can’t think, I can’t function, I can only see one thing. I have improved some in this area but not much. I do have to stay away from the internet when it comes to medical questions though.

 I Am Kind Hearted – I usually don’t like the thought of anyone not liking me. Please don’t tell me that there really is someone out there that doesn’t. I try to go out of my way sometimes to make sure I haven’t hurt someone’s feelings. I am that guy that takes a dime back into the store because I got too much change. I am the guy that tries to remember every detail of conversations to pick up on things that you like so I can try to brighten your day in the future. I remember birthdays and anniversaries and other important dates. It makes me feel good when others feel good. I truly would rather give than receive. That is one that I am proud of.

 I Am Trustworthy – Of course, I have been dishonest or a letdown just like anyone else. I am no saint. But I believe in trust and honesty. I think that is one of the tenets of our society, which is not one of our strong points. In my honesty, I believe what everybody’s grandma use to say, that if you don’t have something nice to say, sometimes you should say nothing at all. I have put my foot in my mouth before but I have generally been able to hold my tongue when I had to. Being trustworthy and honest is one of the things that has advanced me in my career and I know that. It is why I have been married to the same lovely woman for 15 years. It’s given me a lot of opportunities I wouldn’t have otherwise been afforded.

 I Am Irreverent – I have a sick sense of humor. Nothing really offends me and nothing is out of bounds. It can sometimes get the best of me and it definitely battles with my kind hearted side. Think about the paradox of never being offended and always thinking I have offended someone. While there is no out of bounds, I sometimes forget where other’s boundaries are. I like hard core comedians. I don’t mind foul language. I can laugh at myself as much as laughing at something else. I think I have a great sense of humor. It’s just not for everyone. So next time I share that questionable meme on FaceBook, just roll your eyes and move along.

 I Am Jaded – This one is tough. I know that I am though. I have seen too much of certain things and not enough of others. I have seen both sides of the philanthropic figure head. I have seen both sides of the religious FaceBook poster. I have seen both sides of the wealthy and the poor. You know the old saying, “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is”? Yeah, that’s what I think about a lot of people. Sometimes I’m right and sometimes I’m wrong. Again, I am not perfect. But usually, I have to see some true colors before I am all in. Or either, I see your true colors and I am out and there is no bringing me back in. Like I said, it’s a tough one to live with but it’s deep rooted at this point.  

I Am Loyal – To go along with some of the comments of being jaded, on the flip side, if you show me that I can believe in you, I’ll be as loyal a friend as you’ll ever have.  I reserve my best for family and close friends.  If you’re in the circle, it’s a tight circle and I’ve got your back.  There aren’t many people that can fit in the circle so it does mean you are special to me.  I’m polite and kind to everyone I meet if they are the same to me.  But it’s “ride or die” for my closest.

I Am A Husband – I get a lot wrong at home.  I don’t do things exactly like Alicia wants them done.  Sometimes I’m mentally checked out from these other things that “I Am”.  But I know what my priorities are in life.  I enjoy playing sports and Alicia picks up my slack when I do but I’m home every night, our bills are paid, I pull my weight with house duties and I’m a one woman man.  She knows what she means to me and I try to remind her more often than I make her forget.  All of the positive things I am above, I try to be to her the most.  I have so much to improve on but I work on it all the time.

I Am A Father – Anybody who knows me well, knows what my girls mean to me.  My life changed forever in 2007.  It wasn’t about me anymore.  It took me a while to realize it but I get it now.  My life revolves around their well being, their safety, their happiness and their growth.  I’ve done a lot of things that I would’ve never done 10 years ago just to make them happy.  And they are stuck to me like glue so they must like me a little bit too.  I spend a lot of time worrying about them and life is harder and more pressure packed but that’s the trade off for the smiles, laughter and hugs.  Just like being a husband, I am a work in progress but I’m further along than I was when Bailey was born.

I guess I’m really a lot of other things too.  I’m a Bulldog, I’m a marginal athlete, I’m a hard worker (mentally), I’m a sports junkie, I’m a dreamer, I’m a half brained philosopher, and I’m a middling wordsmith.  I’m also selfish, I’m a procrastinator, I’m a junk food addict, I’m lazy and I’m uninspiring sometimes.  A lot of good and a lot of bad so I guess you have to decide whether I’m your cup of tea or not.  I’ll probably stop being some of these things at some point and start being other things eventually.  I’ll probably trade in the marginal athlete for the part time hammock sleeper or something along those lines.  Maybe the last thing I am is a realist.  So I am learning to embrace the good and bad and trying to accept what they both bring to my makeup.  I’d love to add millionaire and statuesque heart throb to the list but I am what I am.  I am.

J-Dub