Find Me In The Dark

We all have frustrations and stresses. We aren’t unique in that way but some of the frustrations and stresses can be unique. Some people are built to handle more than others. Some people can carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and never feel pressure while some can be asked to sit alone in an empty room and feel like they are somehow failing at doing that. That makes the world around us a little volatile at times. Emotions, personalities, and egos can clash as each one of us is having our own type of day or week or month and the people around us are not only oblivious at times; when they do know what we are going through, they sometimes just don’t understand.

We all think, on some level, that we have the most stressful job, the most obstacles or the most challenging path during the day. It’s not conceit that gives us those thoughts either. This isn’t an “I work harder than you” feeling that I’m talking about, although that certainly exists. The truth is that we can only truly understand the weight we carry around for ourselves. We only know what our jobs are like. We only know what our “dawn to dusk” looks like. And we are almost always focused on ourselves in that respect. Again, I don’t think that is a selfish thing either. I think that is how some of us have found to be the best way to survive each day that we are given.

When I am sitting at my desk thinking about whether or not a customer is happy or whether or not the next loan will be approved or what the month end past dues are going to be, I don’t have time to think about someone else’s job and how they are meeting their requirements therein. If we lose sight of the road in front of us, we can veer off into the ditch without much warning. This discussion I am having with myself, and in turn you, is not meant to describe us all as self-centered. No, this is meant to give some meaning and understanding as to why we never know what the person in the car next to us is going through.

There is a saying that I find myself using all the time. You’ve heard it a hundred times but this is how it goes:

Stranger: “Hey, how are you doing today?”

Me: “I can’t complain. But even when I do, no one listens.”

It is meant as a throwaway comment to be polite or entertain a chuckle with a passerby. However, there is some truth in it for all of us. But its not that “no one listens”; its that other people have their own stuff going on and its easy to want to compare negativity and complaints to prove to the next person that we have it just a little bit tougher than they do. This results in two things. First, it minimizes what they have going on in their lives while making the conversation more about us. Secondly, it helps us to convince ourselves that we in fact do have a tough road and we do work hard and we do deserve breaks from time to time. By God, we should be commended for how we persevere!

We’ve actually come to expect that from one another too. If we were to unload one of our burdens on someone and they were to respond with, “I’m sorry. That’s too bad for you. I don’t have any problems and I couldn’t imagine my life being any more perfect”, we would lose our minds. But what we need from each other more often than not is a crutch to lean on or an ear to bend. Sometimes instead of comparing problems and saying, “I know what you mean”, the words I want to hear are, “Tell me what’s on your mind.” It’s that simple. And I am more guilty of this than anyone reading this.

I’m guilty of thinking about how I have been treated and the hoops I’ve had to jump through to make it through the day. I’m guilty of thinking that no one could possibly understand the strain I’ve felt at various moments throughout the day. I’m guilty of thinking that only what I’m doing matters. It’s not hard to do when you are living in your own skin but it certainly detaches you from other people’s problems at certain times when they need a shoulder to cry on.

There are people that don’t have this problem. There are people that can drop everything they are doing and give you their full attention. The issue is that there aren’t enough of those people. I have some that are close friends and they amaze me every time it happens. They can have something that I am fully aware of that is a heavier burden than the one I am carrying but they will put theirs down and come pick up mine for a few minutes to give me a chance to catch my breath. And for those people, you don’t even have to ask; they can just feel it.

I want to be a better person when it comes to this specific human trait. I want to learn how to avoid my problems and help others focus on theirs. I want the strength to carry my baggage and someone else’s at the same time if it means they’ll have an easier couple of moments. I guess, in a way, this IS about selfishness. This is about being self centered but it’s not an intentional act. It is more of a learned behavior or self preservation mechanism. I don’t know what it really is, I just know that I don’t walk around “not caring about other people and their problems.” I walk around too burdened by my own to find the compassion sometimes. Does any of this make sense?

I know that what I am describing is explained in the Bible and religious songs like “Come All You Weary”, and I’m not pretending that any of us can be God and carry the burdens of our fellow man. What I am saying is that we could have a little more compassion for each other. We could have a little more understanding of what someone else may be going through. We can think before we respond in judgment or retaliation to what feels like a personal attack but otherwise could be someone having a really shitty day. Even the saintliest of my friends have shitty days from time to time so it is always a possibility.

We could get bogged down here in the current situation we are all in globally; with political strife, violence everywhere, differing opinions, hate speech, failure to accept differences in one another, discounting another person’s experiences with various aspects of our society, and the well documented (real or perceived) decaying of our civilization. We could even get into a heated debate over whether Jay Feely was being funny or out of line with the prom photo he shared on social media. We could do all of that but that is not what I’m about. That’s not what my blog has ever been intended for.

I am not here to tell you how to think, how to vote, who to believe in, or what to do with your life. You come here to read about sports cards, video games, old cheesy movies, the dumb things I did as a kid and the best snack foods from the 80’s. You come here to escape the stuff I’ve written about at the top of this post. I get that. But this time I want to challenge each and every one of you, as I am challenging myself, with a request. Open up your heart to the people around you. Don’t be ashamed of who you are or the problems you carry. Don’t judge the person next to you for those things either. Be an ear instead of a mouthpiece (says the mouthpiece). Be someone that others will come to when the walls are caving in. But also, don’t believe for one minute that if you are that person to others that you won’t need a person like that in your life too.

Know that you have a tougher life than some but accept that others have a tougher life than you. In the end, we all are trying to survive each day by stringing together moments of happiness, a fond memory here and there, a hug, a pat on the back, occasional tears, failure and success. But while you are looking for those things, so is the person next to you. You can be someone to create those things for that person. Hold the door open for a stranger, pay for someone’s value meal in the drive thru behind you, tell someone they look nice (in a non-creepy way Nate), thank people for things they do and represent for you, and lastly, stop talking and listen when someone needs it.

J-Dub