Author: deftone20@bellsouth.net

The Fabric Of Our Lives

How do you know the people in your life are right for you?  If you stop and think about all of the different people you are surrounded by, it might be surprising to realize how different most of those people are from each other.  That doesn’t mean that our friends can’t be each other’s friends or wouldn’t at least get along.  But for whatever reason, for the most part, it doesn’t work that way.  Not that it’s the most original concept ever, but I believe it’s our need for different types of people in our lives.  To be well rounded, you have to diversify your assets.  Some types you may not even realize you need and some types you know you could never live without.  We all have these people and they help make up the story that is ours.  Some of our friends could have multiple  characterstics below but sometimes it’s necessary to find those who specialize in certain areas.

The one that you trust.  This one is a biggie.  There are several people that I trust to varying degrees but this is the person who would go to their grave with your secrets.  We all have things we need to get off of our chest, things that help us heal or move on from past experiences that would otherwise hinder our growth.  In order to do that, you have to have someone you can talk to and not worry about ending up being the subject of a Facebook rant.  When looking for that close friend or even best friend, trust is a top priority.  It takes a while to establish but can be taken away in the blink of an eye.  This person might know your PIN number or they might know your elaborate plans for world domination.  Either way, it’s locked in the vault of your friendship.

The one that pushes you.  By nature, I am complacent.  I find comfort in routine and normalcy.  That mentality helps me ride this emotional roller coaster that we call day to day living.  But  sometimes we need a nudge in a time of uncertainty.  We need someone to challenge us to improve or to convince us to take a leap of faith.  Like when you are comfortable in a job that isn’t going anywhere but is meeting your needs.  You could probably do better but why risk it when things are going ok?  Or when you are getting by and are “just satisfied” when total fulfillment is just an unknown path away.  That friend comes in handy in those times and not only pushes you to take chances, they walk with you down that dubious path.

The one that is rational and conservative.  Sometimes, you can get a little carried away with living on the edge and chasing the next “high”, so to speak.  Sometimes what you need is a reminder that your life is moving at a safe and sufficient pace.  You may have unreasonable expectations of what you deserve or what you should have but these friends have a way of putting things in perspective and helping you manage the risks vs reward when making those life decisions.

The one that looks up to you.  If you are doing some things right, there is likely at least one person looking at you and appreciating your knowledge or wisdom.  Imitation is the highest form of flattery.  So when things are moving in the right direction, you might find someone walking in your footsteps or leaning on you for advice or depending on you to be that person that pushes them.  It’s an honor to be seen in that light but should never be taken for granted. Your influence might be stronger than you think and should be managed wisely.

The one that you look up to.  Everybody has someone they look up to.  It’s usually more than one person but there’s always at least one.  This person can light the way for you when times are bleak.  Their advice or actions usually stick with you and reveal themselves when your back is against the wall.  Many times, they have no idea you have this image or appreciation of them.  We should probably tell them but they probably already know as well.

The one who’s always down for anything.  I have this one picked out in my mind and have already started cracking a smile.  While you always need a dose of rationale, you very much need that person in your life that will help say, “screw it” and throw caution to the wind.  You live by rules 24/7 and it’s no fun to break them by ourselves.  This person usually holds several roles in this list but this might be the most important.  What’s life if you’re not living it, right?

The worldly one.  You don’t know everything, despite how experienced or smart you think you may be.  Unless you’ve read the urban dictionary from cover to cover, there are going to be some things that just go right over your head.  Some of these things that go over your head make you look silly or out of touch.  That’s what this person is for.  Nobody wants to be accused of a “thotcrime” or be a victim of “ghosting” and not know what it means.  That’s where your worldly friend comes in and explains what these things mean, saving you from embarrassment.

The naive one.  In relation to the one above, sometimes you need to consider yourself the worldly one even if you are not.  The way to do that is to have a friend who is wholesome and set in their ways so you can help them and multiply your own street cred.  The key with this is to not hang out with the naive one and the worldly one at the same time because your web of self confidence will unwind before your very eyes. 

The work one.  Let’s face it.  Your job is not your favorite aspect of life.  Unless you are a professional athlete or musician or a lotto winner, you likely have to drag yourself to some job that you may claim to love or even actually enjoy to some degree.  But a job is a job and they all have their moments.  You’ve got to have that work buddy that you can unload on and find empathy with.  All of our friends can help sometimes but a banker isn’t going to understand the problems of a policeman and a policeman isn’t going to understand the problems of a teacher.  That’s where our work friend comes into play.  They can understand bad days and help celebrate victories because they understand what you’re going through.  Everybody needs a work friend.

The strange one.  Lastly, there is the friend that doesn’t fit neatly into any category.  When I say strange, I don’t necessarily mean that in a literal sense.  This could be someone that you can’t figure out how you’re friends to begin with.  Not that it’s a bad thing but on paper, it just doesn’t make sense.  The important thing is to not question it, just go with the flow if it’s working.  I’ve found myself friends with people from all walks of life that I share very few common interests with.  But for some reason beyond my comprehension, we just click and I enjoy their presence.  Of course, this could also be taken in the literal sense as well.  I’m pretty sure it’s common to have that oddball friend that brings a change of pace to our lives that is needed.

I could try and put a name and picture by each one of these but I’m fortunate in that many of my friends can be all of the above when they need to be.  I want to stress again that many of our close, personal friends wear multiple hats for the purposes of this discussion.  But, those that aren’t family usually become friends for one of these reasons originally and as we get to know them over time, we realized they bring so much more to the table.  Maybe the point is that anybody that brings something to your life that’s needed or missing deserves a chance.  They may turn out to be a one trick pony and that’s what we need at that given time.  But they could also turn out to be a jack of all trades in the friend characteristics department and we need to stock our cupboard with those because they are rare.

J-Dub

It’s 23 years, Not 15

  We first met in 1993, although that meeting was not indicative of what the future held for us.  Or maybe it was in some ways too.  I was umpiring Mitchell County Rec Softball and a hotheaded young girl decided to pop off at me for calling her out.  Nevermind she was out by a solid step, she wasn’t having it and chirped all the way to the dugout.  I can’t remember whether I warned her or her coach, but it was a warning none the less. We did not seem to care too much for each other that night but things would change over the next 2 years.  It just so happened that I met the woman of my life that night.  I just didn’t like her.  Those feelings changed drastically over time and I eventually asked her to take my name.

About a year later, at the illustrious Video Superstore, Alicia would pop in from time to time with her friends but rarely rent a video and would start conversations with, “can we come in without shoes?”  Years later I would discover that my derrière is what attracted those ladies to the store on those visits.  I would’ve loved to hear the conversations they were having when they whispered around the store. 

 Not long after that, my friend Jim and her cousin Jennifer were putting the wheels in motion to introduce us formally.  I was a bit older than her but we agreed to meet for a movie at her house.  Movies were currency to teenagers in those days and I was a rich man.  That first date was a showing of “The Crow”.  I’m still ridiculed by my father in law for bringing too many horror movies over during our teen years.  I honestly don’t even remember much about The Crow except Brandon Lee was accidentally killed during the making of the film in a shootout scene.  

One thing I do remember about that night was meeting my sister in law, Ashley.  She was quite the nosy host and would not leave us alone to watch our movie.  I distinctly recall Alicia telling her over and over that we really weren’t watching a movie, in hopes of getting her to go to her room.  That didn’t work.  As annoying as that seemed at the time, she became a tremendous ally to me down the road and is now the best sister in law you could have.  More on that “ally” talk in a minute. 

 The next three years was filled with good times as we grew up together.  We played tennis, watched every popular movie that came out, went fishing, rode four wheelers, swam in cattle troughs, bowled, played putt putt and rode dirt roads side by side almost 24/7.  I remember calling her everyday from the pay phone in the lunch room at school.  It was the only thing that got me through the morning in those days.  On the few occasions that the line was busy or no one answered, I was a wreck.  I would call her at night when I got home from her house and she would try to time answering the phone with such quickness that her parents wouldn’t hear it.  We would call each other in the morning before school, angering our parents.  I would even go to Mitchell-Baker from my house using the most ridiculous route possible hoping to pass her in the morning.

We had our down times too of course.  I broke up with her on a Friday afternoon as I pulled into Panama City with a friend of mine.  That was not a good beach trip.  She fell head over heels for some chump in Wal Mart while I was on my senior cruise.  Don’t dispute Alicia.  I spent so much money on that cruise making long distance calls that I had to borrow $20 from a chaperone to eat on the way home and I still run into him today and he asks for his $20 back.  During one of those break ups, Alicia exchanged letters with a young lad or friend, I can’t remember.  What I do remember is when we got back together, Ashley called me into her room, shut the door and pulled the letter out to show me.  She had stolen it from Alicia and was making sure I knew what a floozy Alicia was while we were apart.  Always looking out.  We eventually really broke up during her senior year and I thought that was the end of it.  I assumed that this high school love was a part of growing up and we were both grown by then so we were heading our seperate ways. 

 The following 3 years was up and down and we never completely lost touch with each other.  We may not have talked directly to each other for a while but I talked with her mom regularly and she was still good friends with my aunt.  Over time, I began to realize that there weren’t many, if any, women out there compatible to me like she was.  We both dated different people during that time but nothing was clicking for me.  I remember running into her while she was in school at Valdosta one night.  I imagined that night playing out with us getting back together and getting back on track but it ended with her dropping me off at Munt’s apartment and me snuggling up to Nut on the couch for some late night Sportscenter.  Not a bad second option but not my highest hopes.  

After Jim and I moved to Albany, I felt like I was turning the page and was settling into a nice job.  One night after a softball game, I got several calls saying that Alicia was looking for me and wanted to talk with me.  She was working in Albany then and was going to Darton.  I remember her coming over and just wanting to talk because her lengthy relationship had recently ended and apparantly she had not gotten ole J-Dub completely out of her system.  That’s the way I will imagine it and there’s nothing that can change it.  We talked that night rather openly and agreed to try to stay in touch and spend some time together.  I didn’t really know how to respond that night but I remember being really excited in my heart.  I had a very difficult time letting go of her and just when I thought I had done it, she was back, albiet as just an old girlfriend at the time.   

 We did spend more time together and it didn’t take long for the love feelings to resurface.  We sort of just found ourselves back together without really meaning to I think.  I did realize it was happening and I didnt want her to get away again.  After a short time back together and becoming exclusive again, I knew what I had to do.  I regret not being more romantic or spontaneous that night.  I tend to think of myself as a cheesy romantic these days and have always surprised Alicia with trips and gifts or just small tokens of love.  Not that night though.  At my apartment after she got off work, I sat her down on the bed and said, “we should get married.”  That was it.  I had a ring and I said we should get married.  No hiding the ring, no big presentation.  I was a dud that night and that is one regret I’ll always have.  I just didn’t want to risk blowing it I guess.

A short time and a lot of planning later, we were walking down the aisle at Hopeful Baptist Church making it official.  I was marrying the girl of my dreams.  It was a solid 8 years and a couple of breakups later but we were tying the knot.  A lot has changed since that day.  We have both grown older.  We have welcomed Bailey and Georgia into our family.  We have established ourselves at our jobs.  We have less money and more bills.  We have gone to awesome concerts, beautiful beaches, cozy mountains, relaxing cruises and spent countless days and nights traveling the countryside together.   

 As we’ve gotten older and responsibilities have grown, the one on one time has dwindled and is rare.  We enjoy it that much more when we do have it.  It’s just not often.  Our days are spent taking kids to school, working, taking kids to lessons or games, planning holidays and birthday parties, paying bills, folding clothes, cleaning house, cooking and doing dishes.  Just normal adult stuff.  But it creeps up on you one day when you realize that you have created distance between you and your soulmate by just trying to survive every day.  Tomorrow, April 21, will mark 15 years of laying my head down every night next to my true love.  Regardless of the things life has thrown at us, or the days we feel like we see each other for 15 minutes, we spend 8 hours laying next to each other every night and I know she’ll be there for me and I’ll be there for her.  That’s marriage.  That’s life.  It’s not always romance, getaways or fancy dinners.  Sometimes it’s pizza rolls and Kraft Mac n Cheese while the kids destroy the house and the dog tries to torture the cat.  Sometimes it’s crashing into a heap for a 3 hour nap on our only day without the kids.  But we are together and I know in my heart we will be until our days on this earth are over.  That’s what my relationship with Alicia Shiver is.  I love that woman, even though I didn’t like her when we met.  I guess the foreshadowing of that night, why I think maybe it was somewhat indicative of our future, is the fact that our first meeting consisted of me swearing I was right and her swearing she was right.  The problem is that is the last time I won the argument. 

 I love you Alicia and Happy 15 (23) years!

Joey

The Album List

My most recent musical choices have all been very similar in message.  The Deftones April 8 release aside, which has early potential to be their best so far (too early), I have heavily invested in songs about searching for answers and exploration of human emotion.  There are songs about redemption as well as songs about hopelessness but they all have undertones rooted in basic psychology.  There has been a recent post circulating on Facebook listing the top 10 most influential or meaningful albums in ones life.  

My cousin, Keekleneck Lamb, said Monday that he had been expecting to see mine float across the intertubes.  He may have been speaking in jest as my choices could be interesting fodder for he of the hipster variety.  Nevertheless, I have compiled a loose list of my 10.  I can’t call this THE 10 most because I’ll inevitably leave something out.  These are also in no particular order.  One other caveat – I don’t read music, I don’t play music, I don’t know chords.  But, I do have ears and I know what sounds good to me and I know what lyrics speak to me.  Without further ado…..

  

1.  Deftones – White Pony – Ok, this one was easy and predictable.  If you like the Deftones, you no doubt like this album.  There are raging debates within Deftones circles of which albums fit their sound (see Around The Fur) and sound out of place (see Saturday Night Wrist) but they are all appreciated and accepted.  However, there is never much debate surrounding which album was their best.  For me, this album reigns supreme.  Released in 2000, Alicia bought this for me the day it came out and I sat at her parents house on the computer playing the album and looking at the “new fad” video content provided on the disc.  “Feiticiera” has opened 4 of the 5 concerts I’ve been to.  “Digital Bath” introduced heavy doses of electronic pulses into their songs that are most present than ever in their most recent album.  “RX Queen” remains the text tone when I get messages from Alicia.  “Knife Party” and “Passenger” are Deftones Cult Classics and “Change” is their most decorated commercial hit.  This album is loaded with pure Deftones Magic and Power.  While these are in no particular order, there is a reason this is at #1.
  

2.  Smashing Pumpkins – Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness – Released in 1995, anyone between the ages of 30-40 are almost certainly familiar with the blue and pink double album.  The hardest part of owning this album was deciding on which one to listen to.  I wore both CD’s out in my Ranger decked out with two 10’s and black light.  This CD was perfect for such youthful decadence.  “Tonight, Tonight” is a classic alt rock song and was one of my first forays into lyric decoding.  “And our lives are forever changed, we will never be the same.  The more you change, the less you feel.”  Teen angst with the cryptic sting of truth.  “Bullet with Butterfly Wings” and “Zero” were two heavy hitters while “1979” and “Thirty-Three” were songs you could cruise all night to.  There’s no possible way I could have a list of top albums and leave this one off.

  
3.  Chevelle – Stray Arrows: A Collection of Favorites – Alright, I’ll accept it if you say it is cheating by putting a greatest hits collection on here but Keekleneck did put Garth Brooks Greatest on his, which in all honesty, should have nullified his entire entry.  This album was released more recently in 2012 but spans their entire collection up until that point.  “Face to the Floor”, “The Red”, “Vitamin R” and “Send the Pain Below” are all well known Chevelle entries.  But this album also introduced me to “Sleep Apnea” and “The Meddler” which I was previously unfamiliar with.  Chevelle is, without a doubt, the heaviest 3 piece band you’ll hear that still comes off melodic and smooth.  They remain unchecked on my bucket list of artist to see live before I die.

  
4.  Everclear – Sparkle and Fade – Another important 1995 release that was played from beginning to end on repeat on my many trips to Athens and Valdosta with Munt and Russ.  All of the songs were catchy and enjoyable but one song stood above all others.  The song that actually threatened one hit wonder status among non-alternative fans.  “Santa Monica” made me long for the beach and still makes me want to go to California.  “We could live beside the ocean, leave the fire behind.”  But beyond that song lies a treasure trove including “Heroin Girl”, “Summerland” and “Twistinside”.  Everclear is a popular band among alt fans and have had a couple of big time hits like “Father of Mine” and “Wonderful” but I still believe they are one of the most underrated acts of my generation.

  
5.  Blink 182 – Enema of the State – Maybe it’s Janine on the cover of the album that has stuck with me after all these years.  But aside from that, this was my punk phase and it was a great one.  The garage band I was in basked in the glory of three songs off of this one, “What’s My Age Again”, “All The Small Things” and “Adam’s Song”.  Blink 182 had an epic ride during the late 90’s and were a great side trip for a 20 year old that loved heavier rock.  I still have this one at the ready when I’m feeling immature.

  
6.  Pearl Jam – Ten – If you are 36-42, I dare you to argue with me on this one.  This might be the best album of the 90’s, period.  “Even Flow”, “Jeremy”, “Black”, “Alive”…..this is a greatest hits album in sheep’s clothing.  This plays today on my commute around the city.  You don’t always have to know what Eddie Vedder is saying to know that it is deep and meaningful.  There were those who said you were either a Nirvana fan or Pearl Jam fan.  I’ll raise my Pearl Jam flag and fly it proudly.  Another one on the bucket list to see live.  I’ve heard their shows are unbelievable.

  
7.  Deftones – Adrenaline – This has to be on the list simply because it’s the first taste of the band I ever had.  “Bored”, “Lifter”, “One Weak”, “7 Words”, “Engine No. 9”, “Root”, “Nosebleed”…..every song.  This was the beginning of a lifelong relationship with a band.  I had never heard anything quite like this when it came out.  I haven’t really heard anything like it since as their sound has matured and developed with every album.  This one is very raw sounding and is their least “produced” sounding record but that’s what makes it special too.  This was what they set out to be and what they have ultimately become; a band that plays music their fans want to hear, not the critics.  The most influential of the ever present 1995 releases.  If you like straight alt metal, this is the standard bearer.

  
8.  Breaking Benjamin – Phobia – The heavy hitting group’s third album is their best to me.  To be clear, I like them all but this one hits the hardest.  “The Diary of Jane” and “Breath” are household names among the genre’s fans and helped solidify BB’s rise to fame.  Other gems on this album include “Unknown Soldier”, “Until the End”, “Had Enough”and “Dance With The Devil”.  This band has come the closest to matching Deftones intensity in my collection over the long haul.  The newest album “Dark Before Dawn” could have easily made this list but as I run out of room, I could only include one and this one belongs.  If you’ve never seen it, this is one of the greatest live accoustic recordings ever – BB – Until The End.  Do yourself a favor and sacrifice the next 5 minutes.

  
9.  System Of A Down – Toxicity – I have somewhat of a love/hate relationship with SOAD.  They have put out more songs that make me jump around and shout than they have that make me cringe with disbelief.  But they have put out several of the latter as well.  I like songs from all of their albums but this album was the best of their collection by far and made it in my top 10.  The title track, “Toxicity”, along with “Chop Suey” are a couple of the most memorable songs of the early 2000’s whether you like the genre or not.  Don’t believe me? YouTube either one and you’ll immediately shake your head and say “Ohh yeah!” – unless you are one of the honky tonk folks that hang around my blog.  You are welcome here anytime but this one probably hasn’t been your favorite.  This album is actually loaded with classics like “Aerials”, “Science”, “ATWA”, “Prison Song” and “Jet Pilot”.  When I started looking down the track list of this one it became obvious that it needed to be on this list.

  
10. Starset – Transmissions – It is risky to put an album this new on a top 10 list that includes the likes of Deftones and Smashing Pumpkins.  I realize this.  But, i can unequivocally say that this one will be a top 10 for life for me.  This one fits all of the description of the first paragraph of this blog and can put me in a state of mind that is so deep and introspective, it’s kind of scary.  This band opened for Breaking Benjamin in February of this year and I was smitten from the instrumental opener “First Light” all the way to the closer “Halo”.  The band and album has introduced me to an interest in space and greater forces that I never knew I had.  They have even released a 250 page companion novel with the CD that I am halfway through.  I’m addicted and it’s a weird thing.  This album speaks to me over and over and gives me a clearer perspective everytime I listen.  So, while a newby like this is risky, I know I’d regret not putting them here.  This one could find its way into the top 3 before its all over with.

So, there you have it.  I think the genre/theme is pretty consistent on this list and I’d have a hard time replacing any of these 10.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t have several 11’s right on the outside.  These just rose to that impressive level and needed to be set apart.  Maybe you’ll try some of these out if you’ve never heard them.  Maybe you’ll like them, maybe you wont.  If you don’t, I don’t know if we can be friends any longer.  ?

Joey

Love Anyway

 There aren’t enough words to heal a broken heart.  There is no magic pill that clears it up, no surgery that can help it mend.  No intense workout can build it back up to health.  No, it doesn’t work that way.  Time, faith and resolve are the only antidotes that are proven to help.  Even with that, the heart may never fully recover.  There may always be at least a tiny piece that is damaged beyond repair.  That doesn’t mean you can’t live with it, it’s just a little harder.  And that’s ok.  Because we all experience it but in our own varying degrees.

A broken heart can manifest in many different ways.  The most common is losing someone you love.  You can lose them emotionally, mentally and/or physically.  A breakup, a divorce, a walkout, a lie, infidelity, broken trust and selfishness can all lead to that loss.  The common factor is that it is always someone we love, trust, have faith in, look up to, depend on.  The one thing we are allowed to be selfish with is our heart.  Because we are the ones left in the wake of the destruction.  We live in the aftermath.  We sift through the rubble trying to put the pieces back together.  But it’s like putting together a swing set and missing a bolt or two.  It’s challenging but it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t put our heads down and push forward.  Surely, we can figure out a way to make it work.

The brain is affected by heartbreak.  You think you’re not good enough.  You think you should’ve done something different.  You think you should’ve enjoyed the last moments more.  You think maybe things will be different one day.  All of these thoughts are driven by a heart that is not functioning at full strength. A healthy heart doesn’t create thoughts of pain, regret, second guessing.  All of these are side effects of the broken heart.  Just like being overweight can make you fatigued, self conscious, and susceptible to health problems – Heartbreak can lead to depression, anxiety and questions of self worth.

Here’s the thing about heartbreak though.  It forces you, right or wrong, to look in the mirror.  You are naturally led to look inside yourself to examine your contents.  That’s difficult too because we are always harder on ourselves than anyone else.  But if we’re honest, really self reflective, we’ll see that in many cases, it’s not our fault.  The broken heart is not of our own making.

In fact, many times, it has little to do with us and a lot to do with others.  That’s who this is for.  The innocent bystanders who took a bullet from a violent, out of control gunman who has made a name for themselves taking people out.  Some people just don’t know how to love others.  They know how to love themselves but that’s pretty easy.  Real, true, unconditional love is work and the weak suck at it.  But they don’t know they suck.  They see how much they love themselves and think that it must correlate to others loving them or their ability to love in general.  It’s a vicious cycle of narcissism.

A major clue is a lack of remorse.  I’m not just talking normal sorries either.  This lack of remorse is extremely detrimental.  When plans get cancelled, when you have to continuously initiate contact, when the relationship revolves around them and no acknowledgment is ever made, that is what I’m talking about.  When people love you, they are supposed to feel remorse when things get in the way of being with you or even reaching out.  When that is missing, you have iron clad proof that it isn’t you.  Add in empty promises and guilt triggering and you’ve got the narcissistic trifecta.

Seriously, love is hard.  It takes sacrifice.  It is give and take.  It’s not always about you but it should be sometimes.  It is stressful when you want the best for someone and it doesn’t always work out.  It’s painful to see others unhappy.  These are pitfalls of love.  Things don’t always go as planned and when you really care for someone it hurts to see them dissapoined.  No one likes to hurt but when you share love with someone, it is a natural part of life.  That’s what I mean when I say the weak suck at it.  The weak are those who would rather avoid all of those pitfalls because it’s hard or because it doesn’t fit into their plans.  

But what of us with the broken heart?  If it’s not our fault, are we supposed to feel any better, any less hurt?  That depends on our resolve.  You see, when there are people who don’t know how to love us, there are inevitably people who do that are ready to step up.  Resolve is having the commitment to surround ourselves with those people.  Having the courage to move on with those makeshift bolts.  What we will find is that one or two more pieces will come along and fill the void if we will just continue to open up our hearts and work at love.  A broken heart can either bleed out and leave you lifeless or you can bandage it, stop the bleeding and let it scar over.  

It just takes time, faith in others and a stubbornness to survive the heartbreak.  It hurts, but the chances of survival are excellent.  Just keep loving and living.

Joey

Hermano de Otra Madre

  About 14 years ago, I met someone that has turned into one of my best friends.  A co-worker’s husband is usually one of those forced hang outs.  That first time might have been one of those but I honestly don’t remember.  That’s because there are so many other things to remember since that first meeting.  I do remember us playing basketball in my drive way while our wives immediately clicked inside.  We had to sort of size each other up, as men typically do.  A lot of time has passed since that day and a lot of water has gone over and under the bridge.  We’ve each had our own struggles.  We’ve each watched our families grow in numbers.  But one thing has remained constant.  No matter which way our paths have twisted, I’ve never had to question the loyalty or allegiance of Clem John Norman, CJ.

CJ is the adult equivalent to my high school pal in Old Friends.  An adult friend is different a few ways:

  • Adult friends don’t necessarily have to be with each other 24/7.  
  • There is a shared understanding of spousal and fatherhood responsibilities that are always ahead of all else.  
  • There is a reasonable expectation of confidentiality rarely found in immaturity.
  • Advice is sought after and accepted.
  • The best ones will fight to the death with you.  

Most of that simply comes from maturity, generally considered growing up.  But when you find that awesome friend, being grown up doesn’t always have to be the standard.  That’s one of the biggest differences in my normal friends and my best friends.  I am able to be my 17 year old self with my best friends and they know that it’s just who I am.  At the same time, they know I can be professional, respectful and well mannered, just as you would expect and old fuddy-dud approaching 40 to be.  It’s the best of both worlds; being your normal age but not being afraid to fall back into adolescence at a moments notice.  A recent text conversation CJ and I had about our upcoming kickball season perfectly sums all of that up.  But back to that confidentiality thing, you’ll just have to take my word for it.  But at one point I actually texted the fact that our even having the discussion was pretty surreal.  And yes, I did say kickball. 

 We have played many organized sports together; predominantly softball but also basketball, flag football, golf and the aforementioned kickball.  Throw in Cornhole, horseshoes, cards and video games and we have covered the competitive sector of friendship.  I’ll save kickball for last because it is the most impressive highlight on our resume.  But first, softball was our sport.  We played for some really good teams but some atrocious squads as well.  Our start was with Life Christian and we made a solid run for a few years and really enjoyed playing.  We hit a rough patch after that with Historymakers II (I wasn’t good enough for the original HM squad), Simon Sez, Bounty Hunters and Thunder Stix.  But the enjoyment remained and we have memories from those teams that we still laugh about today.  The tag line for Historymakers was “We aim to make history.”  We did if 0-10 was a first at Gordon.  Simon Sez gave us the great “run like you stole something” line.  And that’s really about it.  Bounty Hunters gave us Boot Straps.

 One of my most vivid softball memories before the Sticks came from Thunder Stix.  Never mind that the name and jerseys were equally atrocious.  One evening, we were having a particularly grueling night as we were playing neck and neck with the league’s #1 team.  One of our players decided that our half of the inning would be a fine time to take a bathroom break.  What he didn’t realize was that he was actually the 2nd batter up in the inning.  CJ was the 3rd.  After waiting awkwardly for our teammate to emerge from the can, CJ had enough and stepped up to the plate, resulting in the player being out.  This did not sit well with said player as he sprinted from the bathroom.  He was alone in his anger though.  The game remained tight and we lost by a thin margin.  A margin thin enough to cause said player to deduce an ill conceived notion that his non at bat made the difference.  He and CJ had a stare down in the handshake line and I stepped between them to bring CJ to the dugout.  I’m not sure what would’ve happened had they actually gone at it because they were both bigger than me but in that moment, my instinct was to get CJ out of the situation before that happened.  It’s the sort of moment that makes you think about how you react in the moment vs your usual nature, which hammered home our friendship.  It could’ve ended very poorly for me. 

 We spent a couple of seasons playing city league basketball as well.  We played with a great group of guys and I was in a lot better shape then.  We usually wound up guarding each other in scrimmages and had very similar game.  CJ had more of an itchy finger from beyond the arc but our percentages probably evened out.  One basketball memory I have is actually a regret.  I had always heard about CJ and Tabb playing basketball on Doles Road.  There was a basketball court on the side of the road and was home to where both of them spent some of their childhood.  I finally took a trip with CJ to Doles and about 5 minutes into the first game, fell victim to one of the home court advantages, the 5 inch curb used as a baseline.  I’m pretty sure I had, at minimum, a hairline fracture and still think of that day when my ankle bothers me.  My ankle had swollen up and forced me to take off my shoe before we hit the end of Doles.  After hearing all the talk, I spent a total of 5 minutes playing ball.  Never went back. 

 Although the other sports have been filled with ups and downs, nobody has been able to touch us in kickball so far.  We played 3 seasons in city league and recently played an exhibition against a current league team and we sit at a pristine 31-0 with 3 championships and a Ric Flair Quoted T Shirt to prove it.  We have made more enemies on the kickball field than we ever made playing softball.  Not because of attitude or anything but losing at a kids game tends to bring out the worst in competition.  To be clear, we are about to embark on another season and we may very well go 0-10, you never know.  It’s part of the reason we’ve waited so long to come out of retirement.  But right now, as I type this, we have not been beaten on the kickball field.  Out most recent game was a scrimmage against a league team to see if we “still had it” and to test out our new roster.  We traveled across town, to their home field and beat them 8-4.  They had jersey’s and a Pregame warmup.  We spent Pregame joking about Ashley’s dill pickle and bacon sunflower seeds.  Kickball, legends I tell you. 

 Besides sports, we have tons of other memories and common interests.  We spend time on the creek in the summer, we both like Dr Pepper and bourbon, we enjoy the grill and we both have all women in our houses.  We have a Halloween tradition of trick or treating, we spend Alicia’s birthday kayaking and camping and enjoy immature, crass movies.  “I don’t want a large Farva, I want a _______ liter of cola.”  We have a lot in common and are a lot alike but also have our differences.  We’ve spent considerable stretches of time not talking to each other, not because of those differences but because of life.  We both have demanding jobs and family responsibilities.  But the thing about our friendship is that I always know that he is only a call or text away. I’ve spoken before about my small circle.  There’s no doubt that he is well entrenched and I know he would be there at the drop of a hat if I needed him.  The same goes for me.   

 CJ loves his family, takes care of his girls, works hard, plays hard and enjoys time with his friends.  That’s what I try to do and that’s what has made our friendship stand up over time.  We don’t get wrapped up in petty differences or one up each other or get our feelings hurt when other important things are going on in our lives.  What more could you ask for in a friend, a brother?  It should go without saying that I love Michele, Cass, Annah and Eden too.  But that is all made possible by the respect and admiration I have for the man of their house, Clemmie Johnny.  Much love bro! 

 Nacho: “Chancho! I need to borrow some sweats.”

Chancho: “Are you leaving us?”

Nacho: “No, Chancho, I would never leave you. I just need to borrow some sweats.”
Joey

Past (not)Tense

 (This in the present, is a mistake)

What is it about the past that makes it seem so much more fun than the present?  Every generation draws battle lines with such gems as “when I was a kid” or “back in my day”.  I have touched on various topics that take me back to yesteryear and I have very much enjoyed the trips down memory lane.  But were they really better times than now? Or is it because responsibility was less, the amount of bills were smaller and the pressures of life were minor?  Maybe it’s the fact that I can never return to those days so I long for them more and more.  You know, you always want what you can’t have.  For me, like most, the past is memorable and fun, the present is usually a struggle and the future is just plain scary.  But maybe in that one sentence, some of the answers begin to reveal themselves. 

 (Did someone mention just plain scary?)

I read a few articles in preparation for this piece to see if I could understand it more in an effort to avoid rambling.  An interesting take from Dr. Art Markman resonated with me.  Think about the sentence in the first paragraph about the past, present and future.  Let’s start in reverse.  What makes the future scary?  Well, first of all, the future is unknown which inherently leads to feelings of uneasiness.  The unknown creates feelings of fear, anxiety and apprehension.  Even on small levels, let’s say like when you are opening a gift, you may be generally happy in the moment (present) but not knowing what’s in the box makes you impatient and creates a tiny moment of tension (future).  When you reflect on the gift, you already know what it was so there is no anxiety or tension (past).  Think about a larger scale, your life.  Are you going to have a job a year from now?  Are your kids going to be doing well?  Is your marriage going to be solid?  Is your bank account going to be alive?  Those are pretty intense unknowns.  We can all project where we think we’ll be but the truth is we don’t know why tomorrow will bring.  And that is indoubtedly scary. 
 (This was a scary day but a wonderful memory)

Now think about the present.  The here and now is unfolding minute by minute and the pressures of the next few minutes are compounded by whatever emotions we experienced over the last few minutes.  We could be fighting work problems, helping kids with homework, doing yardwork, cooking or writing a blog.  It’s all a balance of what we are finishing and what we are starting.  The present is a blur most of the time.  We also spend a lot of the present thinking about the past or future.  Those can be mixed feelings.  We can fear decisions we made in the past or we can revel in personal moments of glory.  By the same token, we may be fearing what tomorrow will bring or be excited about potential opportunities.  Much of those feelings are dependent on our varying circumstances.  But in general terms, the present is just about survival.  As an employed, married, parent, decisions have to be made, people are to be kept happy and watched after and responsibilities are managed.  Its kill or be killed in the present, if you’ll allow the hyperbole.

Which brings us to the past.  While the future is unknown, the past is obviously known.  There is no anxiety about how things are going to work out.  That’s why we can even laugh at bad moments, because we know the end result.  Think about the time you fell down the steps at the post office (Andrew).  Looking back at it, it’s hilarious.  You didn’t get hurt and your life wasn’t necessarily altered due to that event.  Now, think of it in the present.  If it was happening right now, there would be some pain, some humiliation and some regret.  Not that hilarious.  Even worse, think of it as a future event.  What if I told you that sometime in the next year, you would fall down a reasonably high set of steps.  I’m not telling you when or where, just that it could and probably will happen.  Well, that’s not fun at all.  Further, if you go back to the specific day it happened (which would put you in the present), that could’ve been the day you locked your keys in your car or closed word without saving or got the wrong order at lunch.  When thinking of it in a past tense, those aren’t the things you remember about that day.  It’s the steps.  So the other little parts of the annoying present aren’t a part of the trip down memory lane. 

 (Even me and Chase got along in the past but probably not in that present day)

So, it would be safe to say that we are selective with our memory.  The present is bogging us down and we try not to think too far out into the future so when we go to the past, we hit the high spots.  We remember what we want to remember, if you will.  That cool story about the video store?  I think I was failing health at that time (that’s right Elizabeth).  Me and Alicia broke up once during those days.  I had to work on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day.  I smashed my face in a golf cart during that time.  But that’s not the focus of that memory.  It’s the good times at the VS.  How about my baseball card collection story?  One of the Cotonio brothers ripped a Ken Griffey Jr. of mine in the lunchroom.  I traded Todd Hall a nice card for what turned out to be a bunk autograph card.  I never pulled an Elite like Shook.  Not the high points of the story though.  Even when talking about the good ole days at MB, you couldn’t possibly think that it was all good right?  I mentioned failing health.  I didn’t know if I graduated until the night of the event.  I have a couple of very rough patches in high school that don’t make for good reading.  That’s not to say that what is there is not true or an embellishment.  But therein lies the key to the past.  If you talk about the past, it’s all things that you knew the end of the story to and you can skip over the parts that may have seemed important and rough at the time but turned out to be very minor in the grand tapestry of your life.  

I’m sure there are some real scientific studies and reasons behind all of this too but to me, this simple explanation makes a lot of sense.  It’s all about the magnitude of the event, which is compounded in the present, and the unknown of the future that makes both of them less comfortable.  We also learn from the past and beat ourselves up more in the present for repeated mistakes.  If you burned your hand on an iron when you were 12, you may look back and chuckle at the story.  If you burn you hand at 39, you think, “what an idiot!  Those things are hot, what were you thinking?”  Two totally different approaches and responses.  None of this makes the past less important or less memorable or even less nostalgic.  It’s just that the past is not always 100% real.  We gloss over the high spots and focus on the good times.  This may be our souls way of evening out the strain of the present and the fear of the future.  Our hearts and minds know what they’re doing.  The past serves a tremendous purpose in our lives.  We learn, we laugh, we cry, we enjoy, we regret.  But overall, we lived through it and we can use it both to survive the present and to plan for the future.  I love the past and currently have a vacation home located on 1990 Avenue.  I’ll one day live on 2035 Street, God willing, but I’ll never forget the stops along the way.  I’ll just forget the bad parts. 

 (The good ole 90’s)

Joey

The Existence of Me

  “Cascading waves of change – events we think to be inconsequential – can effect the future unintentionally.  What if you had the power to effect monumental change?  Would you let fear consume?  Or would you overcome?  We can send a message – a warning – of man’s inept understanding.  We have that message.  Though the story is not inevitable, and a society does evolve, we can change our fate.  We can change our future.  We can change the past.”~The Starset Society

I like to challenge myself mentally.  A lot of people enjoy a political or religious debate.  I have beliefs on both but they are pretty cut and dry and I don’t let others dictate my opinions on those particular subjects.  On the other hand, I have a lot of spiritual and existential thoughts and questions.  I guess I have an interest in “existentialism”, in general.  As I was doing some reading, studying, whatever you want to call it, I came across the following description of an existential attitude ~ “a sense of disorientation or confusion in the face of an apparently meaningless or absurd world”.  Philosopher Søren Kierkegaard proposed that “each individual – not society or religion – is solely responsible for giving meaning to life and living it passionately and sincerely.”  We are individuals and we are what we stand for and what we live for.  Why do we depend on others to tell us how to feel or what to believe?

I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what is real in this world.  That’s where the absurdity comes in.  Whether we accept it or not, most everything we do is controlled by someone else.  There are laws, rules at work, rules to games we play, costs associated with our freedom and happiness.  To be clear, these things are needed to prevent chaos but that chaos comes from our own kind.  What is it about the human race that necessitates a law to prevent shoplifting, assault, rape or murder?  At times, the law doesn’t even prevent it.  What are we doing?  You don’t have to be religious to understand right and wrong or good and bad.  I don’t question why these things are a part of our lives but I question that which makes them have to be.  

We all have been ingrained with the way things are supposed to be. We are often scared to question it because it can be viewed as dissension or would place a label on us.  I admit that I’m guilty!  The fear is driven by another bane of existence ~ the need to be liked and accepted.  We will constantly change our opinions and feelings to satisfy the people we want to be accepted by.  I’ve reached a point in my life where I have thrown in the towel on that and am much happier.  I like my music, my movies, my clothes, my hobbies like baseball cards, my routines and my opinions.  The people in my life fit into those things.  Not because I changed to like something they like or vice versa but because those things helped us gravitate toward each other.  If that’s not sincere or authentic, I don’t know what is.  I’m not perfect by any means but I know what makes my heart beat now more than I ever have and I immerse myself in it as often as possible.

Take a look around you.  We are in a shitstorm.  Politicians are killing us.  Terrorists are killing us.  Our jobs are killing us.  Money problems are killing us.  We are killing ourselves.  There was a debate on my Facebook page this week about which politician was the lesser of evils.  Does it matter? Really, deep down, does it matter? Do we have any control?  Will we have any more or less under a new regime?  I’m not trying to play the doomsday card.  I’m trying to convey that now, more than ever, is a time for individualism.  I’ve had to accept the world for what it is to fully embrace that notion.  It’s “absurd and meaningless.”  Don’t jump off of a cliff – The entire world isn’t meaningless to me.  But many of the things we’ve made important as a society are meaningless.  

The media, politicians, govt leaders, preachers, the Kardashian’s, Lady Gaga, Kanye, Trump, Cruz, Hillary, Bernie…..all flawed and unworthy of the attention they are given.  Not aiming for a political theme here but let this sink in.  We are in the middle of deciding who the leader of the free world is between (1) a socialist who thinks the harder you work, the more you should pay to those that don’t, (2) a real estate tycoon and tv personality who pitches a fit and calls people names when faced with a tough discussion, (3) a script reading, slogan slinging politician that touts his faith and religion who may or may not have slept with half of Washington and (4) possibly one of the worst human beings I can think of that is married to someone who actually did sleep with half of Washington.  All of them would be a step up from our current situation.  As Alicia often says, “Jesus people!”  Man, I’ve gotten sidetracked.  

Back to my point.  We are responsible for our own happiness.  It’s clear from all of the above that there are major aspects of our world that are beyond repair in our lifetime.  We define ourselves and that should be our focus.  One of the tenets of existentialism is that while we are responsible for our actions, we are also defined by how we act.  By default, the way we choose to act defines us.  If you do unsavory things, you are an unsavory person.  If you do well unto others, you are a caring person.  Your situation can’t define you.  Poverty can’t be a reason for crime.  Fear can’t be a reason for solitude.  Pain can’t be a reason you inflict pain on others.  Authentic living is the ability to invent yourself and then live as yourself.  Not necessarily as you were raised or as someone “like you” should live.  Most likely these things help shape you but ultimately the decisions you make should be your own.  When you start making decisions with your own heart, your true self is formed and you are projected onto others.  

I know, quite a rant filled subject for a Saturday night but sometimes it all becomes too much in my head and it’s got to hit the paper.  This helps it all fall away.  It’s also part of my evolution.  I’m trying to break free of the clutches of the culture that we have created over the last couple of decades.  In doing so, I realize that I don’t need to do it alone and I need to try and bring as many people with me as I can.  We might have to rebuild this place one day….possibly sooner rather than later.  There has to be more of us out there than them, right?  I envision this futuristic scene where the world is decaying and the population is fighting for what they want and need with no regard for others.  A small group of strong, kind, honest people will travel from place to place helping others that can’t help themselves.  By virtue of those good deeds, the group grows in numbers until they are large enough to take back society and their world. It reminds me of Fallout 4, a video game set in a post nuclear world.  The truth is without my knowledge of that game, it would remind me of the actual world we are living in today.  All we really know is ourselves.  We have to understand that and grow from there.  That’s how we take back our own world.  And in the least selfish way I can mean it, our own world is the most important.  When we control that, we can start to make more profound changes around us.
Joey

Friendly Conversation

  After our softball tourney Saturday, me and The Zib had some deep conversation over nachos at El Maya.  Chicken for Z and Texas Fajita for Dub – no veggies for either.  That’s not the point but I thought it might be of interest.  We talked about the lack of veggies, banana peppers, math, biology teachers, uncomfortable moments and basic human psychology.  The conversation eventually led to what we look for in friends, what we expect from a friendship and what generally leads us to know when someone is real or not.  It was really quite thought provoking but I found myself just talking without needing to think.  I knew what those things were to me but I was verbalizing them and listening to someone else with the same overall thought process.  It did make me realize some things though.  1) I look at friendship completely different than I did 20 years ago.  2) Maybe we are all looking for generally the same things in a friend.  3) My friend list shrinks as I grow older.  4) Zibby has a better understanding of people than I did at almost 17.

When I was 17, friendship to me was consumed by pranks, one upsmanship (it’s a word I think) and generally shitty behavior towards each other.  Seriously, my best friends were the target of some of my worst behavior.  I took the old saying “I kid because I care” waaaay too seriously.  It’s a little embarrassing to look back on but the feelings were quite mutual.  I am going to assume that the statute of limitations (“It’s statue” ~ Kramer) is up on all of this as I type it but in the event it’s not, let’s just say this piece is for entertainment purposes and I admit to nothing.  A few examples of my appreciation for my friends may be in order to properly convey how my thoughts on friendship have changed over the years.

I guess we should start with sleepovers.  We had lots of these.  My parents went to Fort Gaines almost every weekend so I had the boys over for video games and movies on the regular.  We always tried to stay up all night.  To honor the tradition, we had a special punishment for the first one to fall asleep.  We would create a “concoction” who’s ingredients would vary from time to time but always became generally the same finished product.  We would take a plastic cup and combine everything we could find – ketchup, mustard, pickle juice, dog food, jelly, smashed vegetables, you name it.  If it was in the house, it went in the cup.  Those contents usually got poured on top of the lucky sleeper.  If they were REALLY lucky, we would hold them down and try to make them drink it.  Good times!  Can you imagine doing that as a grown up? We do live in quite the litigious society after all.  I’m pretty sure a hodie wedgie by definition falls under assault.  Second time hodie wedgie has made an appearance.  I’m still not sure the statute of limitations even protects me from defining it so we’ll move on again and leave you wondering.

I don’t know what made us do those things to each other.  Maybe we were taking out our frustrations on each other because we knew we couldn’t get away with it with the general public.  It actually made us closer too, which is pretty twisted.  I even cost (partially) one of my best friends his jobs one time.  Let me state clearly that he hated it and was looking for a reason to quit.  The infamous golf cart incident.  Russ was employed at the local golf course and had the responsibility of pulling the pins after dark.  After a shift at the Video Superstore, I decided I’d pitch in.  I couldn’t turn down riding around in a golf cart at night.  We turned the event into a race after only two holes and as we careened toward the third hole, I decided on a short cut.  Unbeknownst to me, the area around the third green was under repair and roped off.  Russ claims he called out to me but I heard nothing.  I hit a rope, head high, at full speed, in the dark.  My face smashed into the steering wheel and the roof of the cart was ripped clean off.  I bled all over the green as I tried to figure out what happened.  I came too on the putting green near the cart garage as Jim and Russ tried to put the roof back on, in vain.  We went back to his house, covered my face in ice and never breathed a word of it to anyone…..until now.  Surely 22 years is long enough right?  The next day, as he tried to explain the destroyed cart and blood on the 3rd green, he threw in the towel.  At that time, I didn’t care that he was without income.  The only real regret I had was that I didn’t get to see people’s reactions as they tried to figure out the blood trail on the green grass.  That is a moment that would have easily written right into Caddyshack.

I’ve obviously grown up over the last couple of decades.  I’ve also naturally gravitated away from those people and towards people that are more like minded to my 39 year old persona. I wouldn’t trade those days for anything and will forever consider those friends a part of who I am but I guess I’ve moved on.  I still like a good prank but they are much more good natured now.  They are usually followed with a pat on the back or a hug as I offer an apology and assure them it was a joke.  The laughs are good but what I really want in friendship is trust and respect.  I want to be able to talk with my closest friends about my darkest secrets and not be judged or wonder when they are going to pull out the info in public for the giggles.  Some things really are sacred and are only shared when we need to get things off our chest or when we need some assurance.  That’s where trust is important.  I talk to my friends when others don’t need to know what’s going on.  I’ve tried to walk around with things bottled up but that’s not healthy – see my thoughts on overthinking.  You slowly learn who you can trust and generally find yourself talking more and more to those people.  It’s natural because they give you a sense of security that you can’t find in most people you meet.  Gossip is a way of life now and some like to be the first person to share “new info”.  Those people thrive on your vulnerabilities and it gives them power in the relationship.  When I learn who these people are, the circle closes with them on the outside.

Respect is the other major component I look for.  This can be very broad.  Respect can be understanding when I need time alone or when I need someone to prop me up.  The best friends in life have a knack for knowing when to be there.  They’re just there.  They’re not overbearing but you can feel them there.  In turn, you find yourself being drawn to them when they are in a time of need.  You just feel it and know that you should make yourself available.  It’s a feel thing; natural.  When you have to try too hard, it’s not there.  When you find yourself always giving or being the one that always sacrifices, it’s not there.  At this point in my life, plastic friendships have a way of weeding themselves out over time.  That’s not to say there aren’t a lot of nice people who I call pals or buds out there.  But true friendship has a feeling all its own.  It’s so much more than it used to be.

That’s also part of the reason the numbers dwindle over time.  Friendship takes a commitment.  It’s not about you or me.  It’s about y’all or us.  It’s about caring more about the other person in the relationship than we care about ourselves.  Again, that comes naturally when the feeling is mutual.  It’s easier to care for someone you know cares about you, right?  While I feel like we did, I can’t swear that my friends and I in high school cared as much about each other as what we might could do for each other.  Number one red flag in my opinion is basing your friendship off of what that person can do for you.  It’s not always easy to see when you are doing that but eventually those thoughts or feelings become prevalent when given the chance.  Those relationships ALWAYS end in dissapointment because they’re not mutually beneficial.  In life, you get what you put in.  Friendship is no different.  But “putting in” with a real friendship is not work.  It’s an organic give and take that is expected but not something that you have to focus on.  It’s just comfortable.  A friend is comfort to me.  

  

So I found myself sitting there with a true friend, talking about other true friends and what made them special to me.  I realized how far I had come and how that understanding of friendship has made me so much more comfortable in life.  I know who I can depend on.  I know who can depend on me.  And that’s really all I need.  Life is going to throw some pretty rough stuff at you.  You can’t handle it alone either.  But you don’t have to have a contact list busting with friends to conquer it.  As long as you have the right friends, you don’t have to have a lot of friends.  

My Over-Thought Thoughts

  There are a lot of us out there.  A lot more than I thought at least.  I see the Facebook posts and I sense the struggle.  I understand as well as anyone.  It’s always better when you know you’re not alone but the prevalence can’t be a good thing.  While comforting for a period of time, there’s still no permanent peace that can be found, even when talking about it amongst the like minded.  We can’t fix it on our own either.  Some people don’t really get it.  Sometimes I revisit moments and don’t get it either.  It’s grueling though, being an over-thinker.

I’m an experienced over-thinker.  I like to consider myself a polished, seasoned vet.  I have advanced to the stage of fully recognizing it as it is happening but am still powerless to stop it.  It’s a better place to be in all honesty.  I used to not know it was going on.  I just chalked it up to being analytical and everybody else just not looking at it from the same angle.  Now I understand that I’ve created most of the angles I’m looking from.  But knowing it’s happening and being ok with it are two separate things altogether.  Just today, I panicked after I clicked send on an email.  I pulled up the sent item and read it about 10 times to make sure I said what I meant.  Modern technology has become the devil for the over-thinker.  Emails, texts, even voicemails are triggers for the mind blender.  Try multi-tasking and sending an email and leaving a voicemail at the same time.  Whoa, I just got chills.

Those things are just the tip of the iceberg.  Have you ever had a conversation with someone new or someone important and, as you walked away, you thought to yourself, “what exactly did I just say?”  That sounds like paranoia but that’s a symptom of overthinking.  See, you can’t have a normal encounter.  Each encounter has to have some type of meaning.  If it doesn’t, it will after you obsess over the events of the encounter.  Did I smile?  Did I act preoccupied?  Did I say something stupid?  What did I actually say?  I don’t even remember.  What are they thinking now after they left?  Are they doing the same thing I’m doing right now?  It can be quite exhausting.  And 99 times out of 100, it was as mundane an encounter as you can imagine.  But mundane is not in the over-thinker’s vocabulary.  

It’s not all bad though.  It makes us pretty detailed and thoughtful in our conversations.  As I’ve become more experienced with it, I’ve learned how to structure my thoughts and conversations to withstand that mental questioning, post encounter.  I can earmark high points that I know will come up in the playback.  This may all sound absurd to some of you that haven’t been there but somebody is reading this and nodding their head in agreement.  It helps me remember things I would otherwise forget.  Some people ask me how I remember certain things.  A lot of times, I’ve replayed it 30 times in my head.  All of this has helped me be successful in my job.  I’ve made a personal rule that I’m not going to talk work in my blog but I will say in a vague manner that my job can be a minefield of legal do’s and don’ts – highly regulated if you will.  My over-thinking can absolutely bog me down but many times it proves to be worth it.  Recounting phone calls and meetings has proven to be a viable asset.

It also makes us pretty good at analyzing music.  I know that I aggravate my friends when I send them a video of a song that has some profound meaning to me.  To them, it’s just a song; a collection of words put to music.  To me, the song has elaborate meaning and somehow speaks to me on a different level and I expect it to do the same for them.  It’s a great escape. Over-thinker’s don’t lay down at night and fall asleep in minutes so popping some headphones on and letting a few songs talk to our soul is sometimes just the perfect sleep aid.  People may not get me but music does.  That’s a primary driver in my taste in music too.  No dirt roads and whiskey in songs for me.  I need my lyrics to twist my thoughts into cryptic memos.  Heath and I spend a lot of time breaking down what is said in songs and we have totally different views sometimes but they make sense.  Over-thinking at its best is taking a sentence, lyric or message and interpreting it totally different than someone else but still seeing their point.

Clearly, the worst part of over-thinking is what it can do to our relationships.  Many times, conversations or messages can be of very little consequence but we can force our interpretations on them and they become very impactful, to us.  A delayed response in text?  No response in email?  No return call?  These can all be misread very easily because we have a knack for making everything about us.  We were taken the wrong way or we said something inappropriate or we just aren’t well liked.  It’s most likely that the other person got busy or a response slipped their mind or it could even be that a response wasn’t warranted.  Those explanations are too simple.  I don’t think the government was behind the JFK Assassination but I can create a cospiracy about somebody not texting me back that would make Dale Gribble look reasonable.  

Even this post is going to be analyzed several times before I click “post”.  Even more times AFTER I click “post”.  Limited views means that I suck at writing or my opinion is stupid.  A lot of views means that everybody wants to stop and laugh at the crazy guy.  I guess I’m the Goldilocks of the blog world; I need just the right amount of views.  You see what I mean?  The sad part is that this stuff barely even scratches the surface.  It’s a prevalent part of daily life for anyone with this disorder.  One thing I no longer worry about though is what people think about me admitting I have the problem.  I have enough to worry about without throwing that in the equation.  I’m an over-thinker!  Odds are, you already knew that.  But this is the part where I stand up to it and tell you that it’s ok if you have the same problem.  It may not help you overcome it but you’re not alone with it.  You’re not strange or different.  You’re probably more normal than you realize.  Unless you want to be strange or different.  Knock yourself out with that too.  All I ask is that you respond to my snapchat…..

Joey

Coach At Heart

  I have always enjoyed the strategy involved in sports.  Jocks get a bad rap for the most part when it comes to the “dumb” stereotypes. While there is certainly a difference in common sense and being a polished thinker, sports takes a surprising amount of brain power to master.  I have made up for quite an underwhelming amount of athleticism by being sports smart.  I’m 5’10, corn-fed, slow and can’t jump.  Wow, that sounds even worse than it did in my head.  Even with all of that working against me, I’ve managed to enjoy several sports throughout my life and continue to play in my late, late 30’s.  I’m no superstar but I’m content with my abilities.  I’ve done it by knowing where to be, what to do, how to exploit my opponents weaknesses, learned from mistakes, understood my limitations and maximized my strengths.  I’ve seen so many super athletic people struggle because they don’t use their melon.  That has led to a real passion for coaching.  I can’t get my own body to do it so I tell someone else how.

My first foray into coaching was with Uncle Greg in the Newton Women’s League.  Anybody who remembers that league will probably shutter at the very mention of its name.  I learned some very important lessons during this first experience.  There is a lot more to coaching than just practicing, setting lineups and managing the game.  There are personality conflicts, distractions, inter-league drama, hurt feelings, hurt players and multiple egos to manage.  That season was a tough one to navigate and it was an eye opening experience.  I realized that if I really wanted to be a successful coach on any level I was going to have to develop a thick skin and be tough but fair at the same time.

My second venture was RA basketball.  This was really fun.  After all the years of playing with Coop in the backyard, I became his coach along with Dino Radja and several others that I had grown up with.  Unlike baseball or softball, you can get creative with play calling and scheme in basketball that makes the pace of coaching more difficult.  In baseball, you can put your players through reps and situations but ultimately, your game day plan is less flexible than in basketball.  This coaching experience taught me how to adjust quickly and recognize and exploit matchups.  

Later, I tried my hand at football with some rec league action.  I coached the defensive unit on a 10 year old football squad.  In addition to being a different sport than the two above, the introduction of 10 year olds as players created a very unique experience.  At that age, you aren’t teaching plays as much as you are teaching the basics like tackling, offsides, face mask penalties and what not to say in a huddle.  That was when I realized what sort of impact I could have on a player though.  Kids that age look to you for guidance.  There are no egos, no motives, just kids learning the game and having fun.  Our defense was stout that year.  I’d like to take the credit for that but I was helped by a stud defensive player who happened to be the younger brother of one of my oldest friends from school, Joel Jackson.  Joseph Jackson was a beast among the league and was responsible for leading that defense.  I can still see him in that gold helmet he wore.  He will always be one of my favorite players.  He passed at a very young age and was taken entirely too soon.  RIP young man.

In 1999, I got my big break.  While watching another great season of Mitchell-Baker football, I met Coach Rodney Bullard, assistant football coach and head baseball coach.  He graciously decided to give me a shot at assisting him at the varsity level and leading the JV team.  First, a little about Coach Bullard.  While there have been many coaches I have looked up to and admired, Coach Bullard has had the most impact on my coaching life.  I’m obviously not a full time coach but still dabble here and there.  I learned principals of coaching from him that have carried me along every step of the way.  A truly genuine human being who loved the kids and the sport above any personal recognition he ever received.  He was an excellent ball player himself, playing infield and pitcher at Bethune-Cookman and is found in various areas of the NCAA record book.  I couldn’t have asked for a better coaching mentor.

That season was one of the most fun sporting experiences I’ve ever had.  It started with a coaches clinic in Atlanta where I got to spend a few days with all of the coaches around Georgia and even met the head coach of the Georgia Bulldogs at the time, Ron Polk.  We then went through winter practice and began assessing our team.  We were not blessed with numbers but we had a team of gritty players that got along well and enjoyed playing the game.  At the time, the 7th-8th grade team consisted of Mike Lamb, Jeff Henderson, Eric Snow, Jeremy Lowery, Brandon Marcus and others that I was able to periodically snipe to play on my JV team.  I believe Eric and Brandon played most of the year on that squad.  Varsity included Narada Kelson, Bobby Sharp, Jamie Ross (E6), Corey Gibson (Sad Dog), Shane Staines, DK Grissom and Shauntay Walker among the group.  I spent every day of the week with these guys and developed a special bond that still leads to hugs and handshakes today when I see them.  They each had unique characteristics and were great kids to be around. 

Early in the season, Coach Bullard threw me into the fire.  We traveled to Seminole County to play the Indians and very early in the game, Coach Bullard and the umpire had a bit of a disagreement that led to one of his only ejections of the year.  As he passed the dugout, he just looked at me and said, “it’s your time, I’ll be on the bus.”  Up until this point, I had coached first base and called a select number of pitches.  That changed quickly as I found myself in charge of the entire show.  I think I actually needed that early in the season because it gave me a tremendous amount of confidence.  I’ve always wondered if Coach Bullard did that on purpose.  There are other cool memories that I still have of that season almost twenty years ago.  I remember Shane hitting a home run in Brooks County, Shauntay walking home down a long dirt road late one night after an out of town game and a 6’6 behemoth named Josh Dukes cracking my forearm with a foul ball in Cook County.  That one really hurt.  I was kneeling at the opening of the third base dugout in my usual spot to call pitches.  DK was not known for his overpowering pitches as much as his pinpoint control and movement.  Dukes got around early on a change up and ripped a screamer at the dugout that no one could have gotten out of the way of.  SMACK, right to the forearm.  Still one of the worst pains I’ve experienced on the baseball field.  

I experienced some pain off of the field that season as well.  I had a brand new pickup, all decked out with a sound system and rims.  One season of hauling baseball players around with steel spike cleats and it was nicked up all over.  I was even able to identify two suspects who took my truck to the store during a JV game thanks to spike marks on the inside of the door.  Remember that Narada and Shane?  One of the coolest guys I met that year was Derrick Silas.  He was our equipment manager and we became friends almost immediately.  While he was our equipment manager for baseball, he was also a 6’6, 300 pound offensive lineman nicknamed “Big Show”.  It was quite comforting going into enemy territory knowing that Big Show was there and had my back.  Derrick was a great guy and went on to play college football and later turn to coaching himself.  

The experiences I learned from during that year have had a major impact on who I am today.  I still have my love for coaching today and take any opportunity to jump on a sideline or in a dugout.  Coaching is a rewarding experience, win or lose.  So many sports lessons can be applied to our every day life.  If coaches do their job, the rewards are immense regardless of final scores.  Never has my coaching experience been more meaningful to me than my meeting Zibby last year.  All of the years of coaching led to being able to provide something to someone that needed it at just the right time.  It also led to me and her becoming great friends.  Coaching has provided me with a lifetime of friends and memories.  And it has provided me with a lifetime of situational motivation. Sometimes when I am having a stressful day and I feel like everything is working against me, I can go back to that game where I stepped out to the mound to calm Sad Dog down after some wild pitching.  I remember looking him in the eye and telling him that none of what had happened mattered anymore.  This was now about him and Bobby playing catch.  Nothing more.  No fans, no batter.  Just him and his teammate playing catch.   

 That’s life isn’t it?  None of the past matters.  What matters is the here and now.  When you focus on having fun with the person you are with or people you are surrounded by, that’s what makes you happy.  It’s easy to get discouraged in life.  We have to learn from each moment of each day.  We have to get better, we have to improve.  We are really only competing with ourselves from yesterday.  We win and we lose but we get better every day.