{"id":4495,"date":"2020-02-08T22:36:30","date_gmt":"2020-02-09T03:36:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.dubmentality.com\/?p=4495"},"modified":"2020-02-09T08:45:15","modified_gmt":"2020-02-09T13:45:15","slug":"forty-three","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dubmentality.com\/?p=4495","title":{"rendered":"Forty-Three"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

There were times in my life that I thought I\u2019d be lucky to make it to 40 years old. It\u2019s not that I live a rough life or have a dangerous job. But I\u2019ve spent way too many moments wondering how I would make it another year, or week, or day. This isn\u2019t a \u201cwhoa is me\u201d post but it is a little glimpse into the life of a man who sometimes feels broken.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m pretty hard on myself; this is a fact I live with every day. I didn\u2019t used to be this way. There was a time when I was in my late teens and early 20\u2019s where I thought I had the world by the tail. I was living the dream and nobody could tell me any different. The only thing that mattered was the next 5 minutes. Anything beyond that could be dealt with when the time arrived.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Somewhere around 27-28, things started to change. I was thinking about turning 30 and wondering if I was where I was supposed to be in life. I was married to my high school sweetheart, had a good job, owned my own home, and was following the relatively standard path of growing up. But the growing up part was starting to bother me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While I was married to my high school sweetheart, that meant that I had someone I had to protect and provide for. I didn\u2019t only have myself to worry about anymore. That good job I had meant that I had to be extremely responsible, a good co-worker, and a trusted advisor. And those qualities would determine whether or not I would keep making the money to provide for the woman at the beginning of this paragraph.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Up until this point, I saw my life playing out much like Dante or Randall in the movie \u201cClerks\u201d. And I don\u2019t even mean that in a bad way. I thought that would be pretty cool! Just hanging out at a job, clocking in and clocking out, but having fun at every turn. I still dream of owning the worlds last remaining video store; and actually making it successful. I was stuck in that early 20\u2019s mindset, even though I was knocking on my 30\u2019s.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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At the age of 30, I had my first child, and a husband morphed into a father. Nothing could\u2019ve prepared me for the feelings that came along with that. A tremendous blessing brought with it a crippling sense of inadequacy. I was an overgrown teenager, flying by the seat of my pants, still staying up late playing video games. Yet, I was now responsible for raising and protecting a tiny human being that I helped create. Whoa….<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That was a \u201cstraighten up and fly right\u201d moment for me. I was the definition of a \u201chelicopter dad\u201d and it was exhausting. I thought about ALL the things I had done as a kid and remembered every warning I had ever heard. \u201cDon\u2019t put that in your mouth\u201d, \u201cDon\u2019t climb on that\u201d, \u201cDon\u2019t go near those stairs\u201d, \u201cDon\u2019t touch that bug\u201d, \u201cDon\u2019t go out of my sight\u201d, \u201cIs she buckled up\u201d, \u201cDoes she have a fever\u201d, \u201cWhat is that rash\u201d, \u201cWHERE IS SHE?\u201d Like I said, exhausting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You see, I was no longer your average guy who had a kid. I had slowly been developing an anxiety disorder before she was born. But when she was born, it really blossomed. For the first time in my life, not only was I unsure; I was scared of my own shadow. I just knew that there was no way I could be a successful husband, father, employee, and productive member of society all at the same time. I had lost the confidence I carried around 10 years earlier when I thought I was bulletproof.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I now have 2 children and it\u2019s true that the second child is a little easier because of the experience you gained from the first. But you never lose that pressure of being responsible for a mini version of yourself. I have 3 people in my house that I\u2019m ultimately responsible for. Their safety, the roof over their head, the food on their plate; it\u2019s a direct result of whether I succeed or fail at being who I need to be. I know, it\u2019s dramatic; but it\u2019s something I carry daily.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The contradiction to all of this pressure and self doubt is that I wouldn\u2019t trade it for anything in the world. My wife is still my high school sweetheart. My oldest daughter is still the first baby I held in my arms that was an extension of me. I\u2019ll never forget the connection I felt. And my youngest daughter is the biggest \u201cDaddy\u2019s Girl\u201d in the world and thinks that I am the King of the World! I couldn\u2019t ask for a more perfect life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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But I can\u2019t slow down enough to enjoy it the way I should. There was a quote on \u201cThe Office\u201d finale by Andy Bernard, \u201cI wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.\u201d That can be attributed to many aspects of life but I know that I\u2019ll one day wake up and realize that I spent the \u201cgood old days\u201d of my kids growing up being an anxious, obsessive, basket case. They are growing up. I am stricken with fear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I keep thinking that I\u2019ll eventually snap out of it. And some days seem like daydreams of happiness. Yet, some days I feel like I\u2019m on the verge of breaking down because I can\u2019t handle the pressure. But no matter what, I can\u2019t let my guard down. I can\u2019t cave to the pressure. I can\u2019t fight it either; but I can\u2019t let it get the best of me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the end, I know that I just need to be rescued from myself. The fears are somewhat natural but I take them and spin them into reality when I don\u2019t have to. It\u2019s like worrying about a storm, but instead of just worrying, you start making plans for what to do after the tornado hits; like it\u2019s a foregone conclusion. Instead of letting life play out, I just prepare for worst case scenarios.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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In reality, I know that if I don\u2019t wake up tomorrow, I have done an admirable job raising my kids. They have everything they need and most everything they want. They know that their dad loves them. They know that I would do anything for them. I\u2019ve expressed my feelings with them. They know where I stand. They know that no matter what storms come, I\u2019m there for them to take cover.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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I just hope that is enough; whether I make it to 43 next week or live well into my 90\u2019s. I hope that all of this worrying and staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night was for a greater good. I have to believe that I\u2019m doing what\u2019s right. It\u2019s not easy, but if it makes even 1% difference in life, it\u2019s worth it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

J-Dub<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There were times in my life that I thought I\u2019d be lucky to make it to 40 years old. It\u2019s not that I live a rough life or have a dangerous job. But I\u2019ve spent way too many moments wondering how I would make it another year, or week, or day. This isn\u2019t a \u201cwhoa … Continue reading “Forty-Three”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4509,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4495","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-thoughts"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/dubmentality.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/img_4499-1.jpg?fit=960%2C640&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7912A-1av","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dubmentality.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4495","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dubmentality.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dubmentality.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dubmentality.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dubmentality.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4495"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/dubmentality.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4495\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4512,"href":"https:\/\/dubmentality.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4495\/revisions\/4512"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dubmentality.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4509"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dubmentality.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4495"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dubmentality.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4495"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dubmentality.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4495"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}